Dudes
Posted on January 23, 2008
Filed Under Andrew Schwab |
I have decided to contribute to the ongoing cultural debate that has spanned centuries and will probably never cease. The debate is over the answer to this question:
What makes a real man?
I think the answer is more simple than one would imagine, and I am more than thrilled to tell you I have found a definitive answer. But before I reveal this ground-breaking, earth-shattering breakthrough, I want begin looking at the answer to the question by asking a few of my own.
First, is a man made by his courage?
You know, that whole “This is Sparta” thing. Some would say so. Many, in fact. I for one think courage is overrated. Consider the apostle Peter. If he hadn’t been such a coward he never would have been such a shining example of restoration. And I think Peter was quite a man…fisherman, ear-cutter-offer. I don’t really think any man has courage when it comes down to it. Don’t believe me? Put any husband in a situation where he is being called out by his wife for (fill in the blank…forgetting to take out the trash, glancing at the TV during a Victoria’s Secret ad) and watch him squirm like a sniveling, pathetic six-year-old.
Then, is a man defined by his strength?
But what is strength? Being chisled and yoked? Or is it an inner thing–like doing the right thing in a situation when it is difficult to do so? I saw this girl at the gym doing squats the other day and I think she had like thirteen huge plates on each side of the weight bar. I looked at her upper legs and realized you could fit three of my entire body in one of them. I used the mirrors in the gym for several minutes to get a view of this person from every angle and I did indeed confirm that she was female. I then feared for my life, because I think she caught me doing this “research.” I exited to the “men’s locker room” ironically enough. No, muscles do not make the man. Inner strength, then? It does take inner strength to be an adult male. Like when I am at a stoplight and the person behind me honks and instead of hitting the gas I stay on the brakes until the light turns yellow, then watch the guy’s expression as he has to wait for the next green at the light behind me as I zoom through the intersection. It also takes great strength to find your way to your destination when you are lost without asking a single solitary human soul just to show your female companion that no, you are not lost, but taking a “short cut.”
What about honor?
To me, this is synonimous with intergrity. It means being the same person in public as in private. I look at Peter Parker and Clark Kent as my shining examples of this concept. If these guys didn’t have skeletons they wouldn’t be super heroes. Not that I am saying leading a double life is good. It isn’t. But every guy has secrets. That’s why we need a cave. Not all secrets are bad by the way. But whose business is it really that my #1 favorite cavetime activity is playing World of Warcraft. I am now going to go ahead and equip my “Epic Axe. “ And a little “Four Wheels of Fury.”
What about intelligence?
Have you ever seen Sixteen Candles? Of course you have. You know John Cusack’s sidekick, Wheeze? Boy was he smart. Though most would not consider him A man I would consider him THE man simply because he is my favorite John Hughes character and his name is WHEEZE. That is the most bitchin’ name ever.
Is a man defined by the size of his truck tires?
Um…no. He is not. Chances are the guy with the big truck also was also the guy in elementary school that promised you a knuckle sandwich if you did not hand over your Snack Pack. But then again I am probably being judgmental. You may have a big truck and be a swell guy. But maybe, just maybe, you are overcompensating for something. Or maybe you just like making others plummet nine feet to the ground as they exit your vehicle, thus causing severe injury. I for one drive a small shifter car and can still beat you up very badly, big truck guy.
So what about conquests?
Surely a man is a man when he boasts of successful heists while carrying on his back the carcass of dead creatures slew by his own hand while dragging his maiden behind him home to roast his hunting prize.
My dad will have my hide for saying this because he raised me to be a hunter. For some reason when I was twelve years old (sitting in the woods in subzero temperatures staring down the scope of my high powered rifle at that fuzzy, defenseless deer that I could have very easily taken home as a pet) hunting was not my idea of a good time. Killing cute, cuddly things, whether in actuality or metaphorically in reference to locker room talk, does not strike me in any way to be representative of any of the aforementioned qualities of maledom. Yes, I still shot the deer. And retired from the sport shortly after I dragged the steaming carcass out of the woods and bragged to all my friends about it.
OK, so, none of the above makes a real man, in my opinion.
So what does?
I am now going to tell you, and you are going to be shocked at how much this makes sense.
IF YOU CRY FOR GREAT MOMENTS IN SPORTS YOU ARE A REAL MAN.
That’s it.
That is, if you cry ONLY for great moments in sports. You have to possess the emotional vulnerability of petrified forest to be a true representative of the male species. You cannot even feel the tiniest tug on your heart for anything else. This especially includes tender moments with females, your children, or Rachel McAdams films. You cannot show the faintest glint of breaking character ever when songs like “Wild Horses” (by the Sundays not the Stones) are played around you. There is no reason to shed a tear in any–and I mean any–of life’s circumstances. Except one:
Here is the litmus test. I want you to watch the following three things. If you cry after these you are male. If you do not, you are female:
1. Go to youtube and type in “Autistic Basketball Player.”
2. Watch any Michael Jordan DVD
3. Find a replay of the 1987 college football game between Boston College and Miami when Doug Flutie threw a touchdown pass to Gerard Phelan with no time on the clock to win the game. I saw this live on Tv when I was just a kid and I swear it changed my life.
I would also like to add that when I found out James Harrison was voted team MVP of the Steelers this past year I was brought to tears. The guy is 29 years old and was never given the opportunity to start before this past season. He was but from like four different NFL teams and is only 5’ 10” tall–tiny for a linebacker. He has been told he was too slow and too small his entire career. He had 3.5 sacks, 3 forced fumbles, one interception, and one recovered fumble against the Baltimore Ravens IN ONE GAME ALONE.
Talk about a man.
**Author’s note: I do not actually play world of warcraft. But I think that commercial for the Toyota trucks is hilarious. In fact, I don’t think being a man has anything to do with football or sports. And also, I find that when guys are completely out of touch with their emotions it is actually a huge problem (which is why I was making fun of it in this post). Being a man, in truth, has everything to do with having, honor, courage, faith, emotional honesty, and trust in God. Just wanted to clarify.
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53 Responses to “Dudes”
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Dude,
Stupendous!
Thanks for taking time to write this. While it doesn’t necessarily make the world a better place, it sure did brighten my day!
Keep it Real
I cry during the National Anthem. I cry when I re-watch the Ice Bowl. I cry when I re-watch Brett Favre take off his helmet and pump his arm up and down after throwing a touchdown in the ‘96 Super Bowl. I cried when Lawrence Tynes missed the field goal at the end of regulation in the NFC Championship game. I also cried when that same Lawrence Tynes kicked the 47 yard field goal that knocked my Packers out of the playoffs and into historical obscurity.
I must say, I would rather cry those happy sports tears.
What?
I liked this article until the end. I’ve never cared about sports. I’m tired of others telling me what makes a real man. Not even Andrew Schwab can tell me that. Oh, and “integrity” is misspelled in the “honor” paragraph.
That autistic basketball player… he’s like a modern day Rudy, but 6 straight 3 pointers in your only game in front of a crowd? For the average man, that’s impressive. For a kid with autism… if you can watch that and NOT squirt a tear or two, it doesn’t matter if you’re a man or not because you’re just not human.
DUDE! it’s true these are touching stories…
and yes you are a man if you cry at these “events”
I wouldn’t base the entire “what makes a man” argument on the increase amount of moisture secreting from one’s eye socket, due to a sport accomplishment.
Because you feel like a man, when this happens, that doesn’t “make you” a man.
Interesting blog though
Yes in fact I am a man, and J-Mac is THE man. Andrew that video was so awesome, one of the best things I have watched sportswise in 34 years. Thank you for your writings, including what you do in P86. You touch people, you get real, and you say what is on your mind & heart. Thanks also for allowing God to use you the way he has. God Bless you.
Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! There’s a tear jerker for you.
Beautiful. I actually got a little salty moist discharge when I saw the thing about the autistic basketball kid on ESPN a while back.
But I am still not a real man.
…ok, well done, you lost me… forget that i hate sports, but was this suppossed to be one of those schwab things where he gets to write it just for the simply fact- because he can? neeeeext…
Dude! You have let me down, The Schwab. This was gearing up to be As an epic piece of literature, equally important to the male populace as corresponding outcome #7 on page 45. But alas, you brought it to sports…some guy from the Steelers. Gosh, I despise basketball.
I’m disappointed. I was really expecting something with substance to it, but all I got was… sports. Weak.
heck yes he is the MAN
This is the first time I’ve read a Schwab blog and walked away thinking, “what??”…
This made me laugh out loud! That autistic basketball player video is amazing and inspiring. I will watch for the guys who cry after the Super Bowl. You should write your blogs more often.
I just looked up “Autistic Basketball Player” and I want to tell you that I AM officially a man.
… and from this point forever after, I will always think of Peter as an “ear-cutter-offer” - Thanks a bunch Schwab
amen
Great article! I feel as though I now have a slightly deeper understanding of the male species. Although I must say in Palmers defense, Harrison is an idiot (nice pic though) - GO BENGALS! *tsk tsk*
Okay, I feel bad now, Harrison is cool…
Schwab you are THE man!
wow. i thought this might be insightful. maybe give me a clue as to how to separate the men from the boys…but no. well, back to the drawing board.
You cussed. :_(
Too bad those Steelers still can’t handle the Patriots. Then again… what team can?
Uh…wow. I’m amazed and amused.
You put a lot of time into building that one up!
I was about to sic John Eldredge on you.
oh schwab…so witty!!!
ssr!!!
I’ve been reading your writings for a while now, and, I must say, you surprise me on a lot of topics.
I, as a 15 year old, see a lot of “guys” that in most cases, I would consider a disgrace to the male population. Sure, as a teen, they’re going to act immature, but how far does that immaturity have to go? Just today in an Industrial Technology class I have, two guys in the row of seats behind me kept going on and on about perverted topics and how they want to “bang” such and such girl and talking smack on people that aren’t necessarily as popular as they are–including the mentally ill.
I see things like this, and I’m disgusted. I mean, why must the society of so-called “men” do things like this. I mean, they’re teenagers, yes, but regardless, if they’re doing this now, what are they going to do later on in they’re life? They keep themselves in a low state of mind–an “animal-like” state– and they don’t care about anyone else, except themselves, and, its extremely saddening.
Either way, thanks for the post. I’ll continue to read your writings, keep up the good work.
Oh–and as a side note, Project 86 is my favorite band.
I bid you farewell for now.
-Devyn
i don’t know if i should laugh, cry, or look for something heavy to pick up. the ever complex schwab strikes again
Epic.
You build everyone up and then fail them utterly with the denouement, and they all complain. The hilarity isn’t in the writing itself but in the reaction. You sir, The Schwab, are brilliant and I commend you.
Whoa. I didn’t expect that! Your articles are always interesting and entertaining, Andrew. And I liked the author’s note at the end.
Poor deer… *eyes fill with tears*
To those who are disappointed because you feel this article wasn’t “insightful” and “life-changing” for you, I say shut the heck up. Andrew Schwab is one of the most insightful MEN to ever walk the face of this earth.
Like he hasn’t poured his heart out over and over again with each song, lyric, book, writing and performance? And it isn’t enough for you?!? How selfish. Can’t he take one minute to talk about something that he feels is important enough to write about? I applaud him for his honesty and genuineness. I think he deserves the respect that he has worked so hard for.
Even though he is a Steelers fan…
I love James Harrison. Schwab, thanks for making mention of him. I love the picture of when he slammed a Browns fan for running on the field. You should check it out. I’ll never forget the times at Top Cats in Cincy and Little Brother’s in Columbus. You saved my life a couple of times.
dumb… you have GOT to be joking. Because i feel like i wasted 5 minutes of my life reading that.
I’m laughing… but it was dumb. hahahaha. you’re ridiculous.
AMAZING! Andrew i love you!!! keep on keeping on when will i get to read and criticize a new book???
Very amusing article. Even more amusing is that the majority of commentators slipped passed the author’s note.
I have to say that some of the reactions to this blog are classic. Seems to me that Schwab has the blog and he can write WHATEVER he wants and folks should start taking themselves less seriously. What person on earth is always serious? This blog is supposed to be funny and it is. He is being sarcastic to make an underlying point. So what if you don’t like sports? If you aren’t smart enough to get what he is saying behind the stories than you shouldn’t be posting critical comments here in the first place.
Andrew’s blogs are some of the best on here and I am just glad he keeps on posting them.
Schwabbie, if you’re serious about this (and I hope you’re not) I just lost so much respect for you.
The reactions were frickin’ hilarious! For all you of critical minds…maybe you should lighten up and laugh a little and then reread the author’s note.
Oh man, why did you have to pick the picture of him destroying Palmer, now I cannot link any of my friends here because they are Bengals fans. Good thing I like the hapless Falcons…
Great article by the way. Keep up the good writing.
what was that quote?
something about the weaklings are the ones who say they are cool because they are weak… something like that!
just kidding…
by the way… great insight as to how men feel about themselfs, i have no idea how to relate to a guy who loves sports… though i love hunting!
By the way FEMALE!
but great blog, and now i know why guys insist on never asking directions, “it’s a guy thing!”
Heh. I read this like the minute it was posted but hadn’t gotten around to commenting.
I can’t believe all the people that are complaining.
I don’t like sport, but that’s not the point.
Thanks for the read =) made my day easier
Oh, and I don’t think the “Author’s Note” was there when he first posted this…
Could be wrong though.
OMG! YESS!! PROJECT COMING TO AUSTRALIA.
*dies* (too much excitement for me lol)
Thanks A.S. for everything, your blogs, your books, your songs, your inspiration.
Kane
Every human male has been given certain gift, many have all the afore qualities mentioned by Schwab, others don’t, but a real man knows what he has and knows how to put what he does have into use.
Most men have courage, some very little, others more than enough to last him for facing thousands of possible parents-in-law (thus they date more,) and for those with little to none are what are defined as “weaklings.”
Men that are strong, or have inner strength, I applaud a man who uses that inner strength, and for a guy with “guns,” I can’t help but drool! Both can be wimps, and both can be the most they are, but most men chose a happy medium.
Hold on, I got more!
Honor, aren’t we as a human race entitled to a little bit of time where we can be something else, but pretending to be something completely other than true for the whole world? Now that isn’t quite right! How about a guy who isn’t afraid to cry once in a while, even if it isn’t just because of a tender romance scene… I don’t even cry then… funeral; always. But this world and the media seem to let everybody know that no man should cry, not even when their woman cries, instead it is their duty to go and find the reason why their woman was killed and seek revenge! PS (a girl would rather you shed a few tears that to seek revenge!)
Intelligence? Well there is only one Albert Einstein, and by law of nature and science, there could never be two of the same person. All men should be allowed a little dummy time, but the one who uses his brain, thinks and renews his mind, is more of a man than that crazy German genius!
And as for truck wheel size… never mind it doesn’t matter!
And football and basket ball are just a waste of money… (Sorry Schwab… I do respect you, but I just can’t respect sports, unless there is no one paying a whole weeks pay on tickets…)
A man should know the limits placed on him by God, by nature and by human laws, and he should be able to respect those limits and their gifts he has been given enough to use them to their full advantage
There… that is my opinion, aided by my father and his eloquent way of clearing up the mystery of male thinking!
loved it. no doubt put a little pep in my step today. here’s to a healthy sense of humor.
I love the part about the petrified forest. I cried after Manning threw that game winning touchdown to Burress! A man is also one who likes to see the dirty Patriots lose the Super Bowl and undefeated! Ha!
Ok. Has anyone ever heard of tongue in cheek?
This reminds me of a Lit class reading penned by one Jonathan Swift: “A Modest Proposal.” I know you’re not solving the economic ills of 1700’s Ireland, but the same literary device seems to be at play. I think Bradley Hathaway’s poem “Manly Man” is also a good read/listen on this topic. God-fearing & Jesus-following is the way to be a real man (or woman, in my case).
Schwab added the disclaimer, it wasn’t there the first time I read it….I think some ppl took this writing a little too seriously.
The Japanese woman talking on “PS” is actually thanking Andrew Schwab for saving her village from Godzilla.
I think that’s the most important authors note ever..
hope no one misses that note.
i almost did. but it’s okay, coz i’m not a man…?
ha. i think it goes the same for everybody though…honor, courage, honesty, faith in God are really what makes real and full of meaning.
To a lost and dying species of men, I thank you Andrew Schwab. At one time I thought men like you had gone extinct. I’m very glad to be wrong. Go forth and mold all you can sway to be a man like you. For I fear our world will never produce another like us on its own.
I cried when I saw a bloke with one arm walk past me while I was listening to Drawing Black Lines and driving past a gay bar.
One word.
Nice
Commentors: Who believed that this was a dumb shallow blog it is goes deeper than sports, just read the disclaimer for crying aloud.
jeez