8 Reasons Why Soda Is Awesome
Posted on August 8, 2007
Filed Under RELEVANT Editors |
As an avid soda drinker (especially a daily crisp refreshing can of Dr. Pepper), I was shocked and appalled by a recent post on the “Water for Life USA Blog” that outlined eight harmful health effects of drinking soft drinks cleverly titled, “8 Ways Soda Fizzles Your Health.” The title of the slanderous blog entry jumped off the screen this morning while checking my Digg RSS reader. Out of morbid curiosity, I clicked the link … certainly this couldn’t be true! Tooth decay?! Bone loss?! Brain damage?! There had to be some hidden agenda behind this article that was attempting terrify the soda drinking masses. After countless hours of research, a brief investigation by a private investigation firm and hundreds of phone calls to web-hosting providers, my search for a source came to frustrating end. Who were these people? Why do they hate soda?
Finally, after three solid days of independent research, I had given up my investigation. As I popped open my third can of DP, I noticed something. Just above the article entry in bold lettering read the phrase, “The exclusive US distributor for KYK Water Ionizers.” AhhhHaa!!! I knew there had to be some malicious plot behind the article, and now the devious plan was clear. This was a scheme by Big Water Ionization! The water ionization distribution industry has long been the hidden enemy of soda drinkers everywhere, and now their latest smear campaign has been blown wide open!
There’s only one way to combat this hateful propaganda. I give you:
8 Reasons Why Soda Is Awesome
1. It Is Delicious
This is commonly known and was recently scientifically proven. In fact, researchers at M.I.T. have discovered it is so good, that many people drink it with every meal!
2. It Is Cheap
With combo meals, a large soda is only an extra dollar, and you get fries!
3. It Helps Abandoned Puppies
Most abandoned puppies love soda too, and it helps them in many, many ways.
4. It Cures Hair loss
Just pour it on your head several times a day, and you will grown a lush main of gorgeous long hair in just two weeks … guaranteed!
5. It Burns Cleaner and More Effectively than Petroleum
It’s true. I recently converted my ’78 VW Bus to run only on Tab, and it gets 87 miles to the gallon!
6. It Stops Global Warming
The natural gases released when opening a can of soda actually ascend into the atmosphere and fill the hole in the ozone layer!
7. It Champions Third World Debt Relief
Don’t take my word for it … just ask Bono.
8. It Is the World’s Third Most Abundant Natural Resource
(Just behind air and dirt)
Still not drinking soda?
I think we’ve made our point. So go help yourself (and the environment!) and grab yourself a tasty Mountain Dew … this one’s on the house.
Comments
37 Responses to “8 Reasons Why Soda Is Awesome”
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hahaha nice!!!! I like soda but I make sure I also drink water. But eventhough I’ve tried to stop its hard. IT IS DELICIOUS!! And my favorite is a nice glass Coca-Cola, especially from Mexico! yum.
Best article ever! I was astounded to not only learn of the lengths that the “big water” people would go to defame my beloved can of soda, but I was even more intrigued to find out all the wonderful attributes of soda. I would really like to have the plans for converting my engine over to the tab mobile. The only hard part of that equasion is actually finding Tab.
I find the facts hard to argue with. I believe they are true (because they are what I want to hear), therefore they are true.
Great article! The only thing is that everyone knows soda is called “POP!”
Heck yes. Soda IS awesome, and I can personally stand behind the fact that soda helps puppies. To hate soda is to hate puppies. And really, who hates puppies?
I heart Dr. Pepper. Now I am enlightened to all of the glorious benefits… my mind is at ease..
Bonus Fact: Mtn. Dew is made with orange juice. Therefore it is healthy and may be consumed with breakfast
you speak truth. I heart Diet Coke.
Welcome to the blogging world, Jesse!
Coca Cola from mexico is the best. Coca Cola from anywhere else is the 2nd best.
Absolutely brilliant. That was a nice little break from my daily grind at work. My can of Spirte is bubbling amiably next to me as I type this. Although I have to say…sweet tea is the bread of life.
Props, Jesse. Major props.
yeah… both list will be posted on the company’s free soda fridge tomorrow morning. thanks!
6. It Stops Global Warming
The natural gases released when opening a can of soda actually ascend into the atmosphere and fill the hole in the ozone layer!
that is CLEARY the best reason!!
you made me crack up on that one!
great article! I did a little research of my own as well, and one of the “bad” chemicals in the “sodas” (I’m a southern girl - it’s all “Coke” around here), are naturally occurring substances in FRUIT! so really, there’s another point for why soda IS good for you.
I can attest to the “coke” comment. Down in texas when a waitress asks you what do you want to drink you say coke. then she asks you what kind of coke you want and you say Dr.pepper. We don’t believe in pop or soda, Only Coke and George Bush.
What those Big Water Companies don’t want you to know is that most sodas were actually invented for medicinal purposes. I know. I toured the Dr. Pepper Museum in Waco, Texas, and the animatronic guy told me himself.
That’s right, Jesse, you tell them! Daggone water-biased media!
Jesse, what are your feelings on Diet Mountain Dew?
Great defense Jesse! I think I’m pretty much sold on the whole soda (pop) thing….just make mine caffeine free please : )
this kind of reminds me of creed thoughts
This article is rediculous! More than half of these so-called “statistics” are less than 65% true! If soda really cured hair loss, my dad would be the happiest man alive. No one should take this seriously! I’m surprised you didn’t say that soda cures child obesity.
This information from Jesse does not suprise me. What’s suprising is that Jesse failed to mention that Fanta has replaced cleanliness, and it’s now next to godliness.
I too, am a believer in soda. Keep rockin’ the DP, brother!
Am I a jerk because the thing that stood out to me most was
[4. It Cures Hair loss
Just pour it on your head several times a day, and you will grown a lush main of gorgeous long hair in just two weeks … guaranteed!]
that grown should be grow and main should be mane?
haha…so basically you can’t come up with any good reasons to drink soda…nice…
I think one of the best things about soda is that it’s EVERYWHERE. I have found Diet Coke on 4 continents over the past several months and it’s delicious anywhere you go!
I’m glad to see that someone finally has the guts to be the whistleblower on Big Water Ionization. BWI has stood unopposed for too long. It’s truly a David and Goliath story. Or at least a Davey and Goliath story in which you are Goliath to Big Water Ionization’s Davey.
“Gee Davey, you shouldn’t be so hard on soda drinkers.”
Thanks for the article! I have been working to have the FDA add Diet Dr. Pepper to the nutritional food pyrimad. To address the lack of water intake I put extra ice cubes in my drinks, melted ice cubes equals - WATER! Also, have to agree with Kyle, if soda help with hair loss I would not be as follically challenged as I am.
This just in: Soda cures childhood obesity.
I’ve heard numbers 3,4,6 and 7 attributed to Chuck Norris before. But Dr. Pepper would be the only coke (I’m from Oklahoma, it’s all called coke) that could usurp Chuck in making the world a better place.
You forgot that coke (not the brand but the category of soda drinks as a whole) has also saved lives in third world countries, by preventing dehydration in places that have no clean water supply. The coke producers have managed to do there part in the mission field where the water big wigs have failed there duties.
Wow! There are some people with serious soft drink addictions. But seriously, its probably the amount of soft drinks that individuals consume in a day. We are consuming too much sugar, salt, etc. Our diets are not so balanced anymore not too mention the amount of fast food or ready made meals (frozen foods) we eat.
But there will be a revolt if coffee gets attacked, after all its one of the 5 major food groups - isn’t it?
[…] So I’ve been trying to kill sodas from my diet, well Jesse Carey reminds that Soda is Awesome, in fact he gives me 8 reasons why it is! […]
Soda makes me feel horrible if i drink it a lot.
ahaha. That’s why i don’t drink it much.
however, some Vault does sound a bit intriging right now.
Wow… all these years drinking water… WASTED! I could have been drinking Mountain Dew all this time!?! I’m going to go cry.
hey i was appaled tooooo i drink at least 3
mountain dew a day… if not more
make that 4
hey, looks like jesse’s VW and i have something in common.