The Really Cold War
Posted on August 8, 2007
Filed Under RELEVANT Editors |
So, just a week or so ago, Russia sent a submarine under the polar ice caps to plant a flag, claiming ownership of the North Pole. Evidently, the region has vast reserves of natural resources (perhaps even 25 percent of the world’s unclaimed oil and natural gas), which makes it a pretty attractive region to control. Well, not to be outdone, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper is taking a trip to the region to exert Canadian ownership. He is expected to announce the construction of a military base to secure Canadian sovereignty. Well, the hijinks don’t stop there. The United States, Norway and Denmark are also competing for rights to the region. In all this land-grabbing, it strikes me that no one has sought out the opinion of the local populace, or indeed the region’s most noteworthy resident, Santa. Having ruled the North Pole unopposed for the last 1700 years or so, it seems that ownership of the region should be solely dependent upon Santa’s citizenship. It is fairly common knowledge that Father Christmas, or more formally, Saint Nicholas of Myra, hails from modern-day Turkey. Thusly, it seems only logical that the North Pole is a prefecture of Turkey, with Santa serving as its local governor/nigh-omnipotent friendly old elf. All I know is that should these shenanigans continue, a number of countries are going to end up on the naughty list. Anyway, my apologies for such an inane blog entry. Perhaps it can be redeemed by the Rambo plot below.
Rambo IIX: Laser Space Patrol IV
As the movie starts, Rambo is in the midst of winning the Indianapolis 500. The film cuts between driving scenes, and scenes in the announcers’ booth where an incredulous Bob Costas marvels that Rambo is about to lap the entire field for the fifth time. “In all my years, I’ve never seen a display like this!” Costas says. “And to think he built the car himself out of steel he personally forged!”
We cut to Rambo in the car. He is, of course, helmetless, and his long hair whips in the wind. We pan over to see The General sitting beside Rambo (which is strange, given the fact that Indy cars typically do not have passenger seats).
“Rambo, we need your help!” The General says. “The President’s nephew Terry has been kidnapped. If we don’t get him back, the President won’t have a male heir to ascend to the throne when he dies!”
“First lemme win this race,” Rambo says as he drives under the checkered flag. “Now let’s get outta here!”
Rambo somehow jumps the Indy car out of the stadium, which explodes behind him. The car lands in the middle of a jungle, and Rambo drives off into the bush. After a few minutes of driving, Rambo turns onto a dirt road, only to be faced by a tank. The tank revs its engine. Rambo revs his.
“Are you crazy, Rambo?” The General cries. “You’ll get us both killed!”
“What’s the matter? Chicken?” Rambo says with a sneer. At this, Rambo pops the clutch, spins his tires and speeds toward the tank. The tank steams toward his car. We see alternating shots of Rambo’s car and the tank, the cuts between the two becoming quicker and quicker as they approach and the tension builds. Then, when Rambo is less than five feet from a head-on collision, the tank explodes and Rambo drives through the debris. He speeds down the road until he gets to a guerilla fortress in the jungle. At this point, he steps on the brakes and flies from the car, a bazooka in each hand, firing relentlessly. He kills guerilla soldiers for about 75 minutes or so. At some point, the leader of the guerillas boards a helicopter with a boy we can only assume is Terry. As they fly, Terry manages to wrestle free, but in doing so, falls and is hanging on to the bottom of the helicopter.
“Rambo! Help!” he yells. Rambo looks upward and sees Terry in peril. He jumps skyward as Terry falls. He flies past Terry and punches the helicopter, causing it to explode, then turns in midair and flies downward. After a few tense moments, he grabs Terry and pulls the ripcord on a parachute he didn’t have a moment ago. The two float to safety.
When they reach the ground, an unidentified man approaches Rambo.
“Well, Rambo, it’s official,” he says. “You’ve been elected President of the United States!”
“Looks like we didn’t need you after all,” Rambo says to Terry, grinning wryly.
“Aw, nuts!” Terry responds.
Rambo laughs and tousles his hair and the scene freezes. Roll credits.
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11 Responses to “The Really Cold War”
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Adam,
You are a brilliant mind. Too bad your brilliant mind has taken you to this place. I will say that you make me laugh both here and on the podcast.
Love the IIX, however, the movie should have been named Rambo IIX: Jumping the Shark.
I used to laugh when everything exploded for no reason like baseballs or frisbees. The stadium exploding behind Rambo as he jumps the car to safety just made me sad. Rambo would never murder thousands of patriotic Indy-watching, Miller lite drinking families enjoying a lovely day at the races. It just wouldn’t happen. Another thing that wouldn’t happen is Rambo laughing and playfully tousling anyone’s hair. The origin of the name Rambo is Latin where the literal meaning is “one incapable of mirth”. Sneering and cutting off a lock of Terry’s hair with his massive knife, maybe. Look it up on your internet device.
santa has 25% of the world’s unclaimed gas??? man, must be from all those cookies.
Dearest Adam,
Though I appreciate your line of thinking concerning the annexation of the north pole, you have made several important historical blunders. you have rightly claimed that Saint Nicholas hails from modern-day turkey. However, as one who surely understands the nature of geopolitics, you should have known that Myra was a city within the broader context of the Roman Empire, fading though it was. The Byzantinian aspect of the Anatolian peninsula would come later, after Nicholas had already begun his voyages north (legend has it that he left the council of Nicea claiming that he had to go away to “dream it all up again”, a quote that Bono apparently ripped at the close of the critically-panned Rattle and Hum tour). So really Adam, all ownership of the North Pole should truly be placed in the hands of the Italian government.
Adam…
I am actually crying. This is just as funny as Rambo IV.
tower
Interesting stuff about the North Pole. (And astute observations by Eric…wikipedia?)
I’m thinking you have untapped talent as a screen writer. ;)We might just have the next summer blockbuster on our hands. Better copyright it now! haha
Rachel
Amazing, Amazing, and did I mention Amazing?
“He flies past Terry and punches the helicopter, causing it to explode” …!
This is truly Spirit-led screenwriting at its finest, and I mean that in the most Rambo-ist way known to man and beast. Thank you, Adam.
are you as scared of the new REAL Rambo movie as I am?
Next Rambo:
Rambo meets Jesus.
Rambo goes to a T-Bone concert where he gets saved and starts bustin da rhymes on stage, quickly becoming the next Christian Music superstar. He then is requested, by Kirk Cameron (as himself) to save Rick Warren, who has been kidnapped by demons.
I’m sure you could play wih it and make it work.