Doubting Teresa
Posted on August 30, 2007
Filed Under Jason Boyett |
I read with great interest the recent news about Mother Teresa’s battle against doubt and uncertainty in her faith. In a new collection of her letters called Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light (which releases on Tuesday, Sept. 4), readers will apparently get an intimate, transparent look into the emotions and spirit of one of the most revered religious figures of the 20th century. Most of us have been pretty surprised at what these letters reveal. The famed nun — a woman who dedicated her life to serving the poorest of India’s poor in the name of Christ — tells of her nearly lifelong struggle with spiritual emptiness and the silence of God.
There’s been plenty of bloggy commentary about the contents of the book, most of which hit news cycles a few days ago to ramp up the book’s publicity campaign. Some have criticized the publisher for exposing these obviously private (and pain-filled) letters to the public — Teresa apparently wanted them destroyed, but the Vatican held onto them as the potential relics of a saint-to-be — but I’m thrilled to read them, because they give me hope. Here’s an excerpt:
If there be God – please forgive me. When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven, there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul… How painful is this unknown pain – I have no Faith.
“Thrilled” is probably the wrong word to use in relation to someone’s private spiritual pain. No one wishes spiritual emptiness on anyone else, particularly those of us who struggle with it from time to time. I don’t rejoice in her suffering, just as I don’t rejoice in my own doubt and spiritual dryness. But I have hope because “I have no faith” is a statement I can identify with. It tells me that Mother Teresa, the super-Christian, was just as human as me.
Mother Teresa has always been an inspiration to me, but she was so high up on a spiritual pedestal that I could hardly relate, a living icon of sacrificial love and the simple life of a Christ-follower. Say what you will about the canonization process and merits of sainthood, but she had serious credentials. Decades of sacrificial service, selflessness, and heart-breaking work on behalf of the “least of these.” Wisdom. Compassion. Simplicity. Perspective. All things I aspire to, and all things she seems to have had in spades.
And yet we have this one thing — this spiritual darkness — in common. My darkness comes and goes. Some days I trust completely in the life and resurrection of Jesus and am deeply committed to the radical fullness of life in the kingdom of God. But some days I find myself…wondering. Wondering why some people seem to have a broadband connection to the voice of the Almighty when all I’m getting is the crackly static of some distant AM station. Wondering why some people are overcome with emotion during what they consider to be a Spirit-filled worship time, while I’m just thinking, “Boy, the worship leader sure knows how to use a good key change and drum crescendo to good effect.” Wondering why some days my prayer life consists of little more than a mumbled recitation of the Lord’s Prayer or the Shema, while others are not content unless their prayers are also accompanied by shouting and weeping.
My doubt and uncertainty have been constant companions ever since my college days, when I started reading more widely and studying more theology and breaking out of the Southern Baptist bubble in which I grew up. But it seems that Teresa dealt with her doubt from as early as 1953. She died in 1997. That’s nearly 45 years of crackly static.
Does this darkness cast any doubt — pun, unfortunately, intended — on the possibilities of her sainthood? I’d be surprised if it did. Because as impressed as I was with her before these letters were made public, I’m more impressed now. She worked and lived and suffered for God for decades, even though the felt presence of God was virtually absent from her life. She gave and gave and gave — pouring herself out on behalf of others — with almost nothing available to fill her back up. She felt abandoned by the God who had called her to such a difficult ministry, and yet she continued in that ministry for the rest of her life.
Abraham dealt with God’s absence for large periods of his life. Job asked hard questions of God with few answers (at least, until the whirlwind). David wrote psalm after psalm bemoaning the Lord’s hidden-ness. “How long will You hide Your face from me?” he asked in Psalm 13. In Gethsemane, Jesus questioned God’s plan — I’ve always read “take this cup from me” (Mark 14:36) as a statement along the lines of “isn’t there any other way?” — and notably dealt with God’s absence on the cross. The disciples even doubted the risen Christ when he appeared to them post-resurrection.
And now, we learn that Mother Teresa doubted, too. A lot.
So why are we so afraid of doubt? No one ever seems to talk about it at church. We put on our happy Best Life Now (TM) masks and shiny spirituality and sing our way through another couple of verses of the latest victorious praise song and don’t tell anyone we’re struggling with uncertainty. Why? Probably because it scares us: we think maybe our faith is unraveling. It’s messy: we’re not willing to admit we don’t have it all together. It’s socially unacceptable: I’ve been to churches that publicly ask you to “leave your doubt at the door,” because a doubting spirit can, according to their theology, mess up the effectiveness of prayer.
But the story of Mother Teresa — along with the stories of Jesus and David and Abraham — gives me hope. It lets me know I’m not alone. It gives me the freedom to be real, to admit I’m not always tight with the Almighty. And it reminds me of grace. I’m not saved because my theology is rock-solid. I’m not saved because of the certainty of my faith. I’m not saved because God always feels real to me. Nope. I’m saved because of Jesus.
So was Mother Teresa, the patron saint of doubters.
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14 Responses to “Doubting Teresa”
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I love this article! Awesome job…
i read some of mother teresa’s writings just as you. and just as you…..i had the same thoughts and felt a great sense of “relief”, is it? i don’t know if that is the correct word….but our feelings were akin. the article i read pertaining to her letters took a very middle-of-the-road stance and went into what atheists might think/make of this but also detailed other “great”, past Christians who struggled just as much as mother t. i found it interesting what the article stated - in reference to that atheists would use this as further proof that as humans, we make up our belief system and it fails us. but….i think it speaks more to this….”the man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned.” 1 cor. 2:14
oh yeah….and sorry….forgot to say “good writing”.
Excellent article, I can really relate to what you talked about in those last few paragraphs, you know, putting on the facade in church like we don’t have doubts and issues. And not “being tight with the Almighty,” man, I feel you on that. Also, I hadn’t really heard about Mother Teresa’s book, but I’m definitely interested in checking it out because of this. Thanks and good job.
Love this article.
I definately have times when I don’t feel like God is there, but it just makes Teressa’s faith seem that much stronger that she served Him even in those times.
It makes it seem that there’s so much hope for me if God can use someone so greatly who had such dark times.
Loved the article. I really want to read the book when it comes out. I think its important to have these writings published because even after her death she is a role model and a perfect example of imperfection of Christianity. As a Catholic, I am proud. She is and was a greater light than she thought she was and that says something.
This article was something I needed to read today. I’m just starting at school, tiny little freshman in college and it’s difficult. I too am having an interesting time away from my Southern Baptist church in NC. I was struggling with the church anyway before I left and not really understanding what God was doing. I still don’t, and being away at college doesn’t help…haha. But I have been attending a church every now and then where every moment of prayer is so sacred with the wailing and weeping and it’s so beautiful, but I just can’t reach it. It seems so unattainable to me rightnow and that’s okay. I guess just thanks for posting this. It’s encouraging to hear of brothers and sisters dealing with dry spells.
wow…thanks…i’ve been struggling a lot with doubting recently. as depressing as the idea is, it’s comforting knowing i’m not the only one. again, thank you
This blog post about Mother Teresa and doubt might interest readers -
http://justanapprentice.wordpress.com/2007/08/31/bothandeitheror/
GREAT article!!!! The morning I heard the reports of these letters, I too, had the sense that it made me love her more. If someone in the situation she was in could doubt and yet serve anyway then so can all of us. Again great writing!
Having taught on doubt a little bit at church, people often seem very relieved that they can still experience doubt and be very deeply connected to Jesus. Thanks for teaching that doubt is not the opposite of faith — it’s a reality of faith. Love your conclusion: “I’m saved because of Jesus.”
Hey Jason. This was a great entry that captured many of my sentiments. I think her faithfulness shone even brighter in the midst of doubt. And I would like to aspire to be the same type of person.
Excellent. People like Mother Teresa is one of those people who I fall into trap of looking at as having something different. Like thay were one of the special ones God has given something more to for them to be able to do more. To show her vunerability and therefore make her more accessible to for us “average” people is great. What a great thing to hear about a woman who despite here struggles committed to God completely. That’s faith right? Inspires me to push myself despite doubts. Great article.
Thanks for your attention to this new book! I am definitely going to buy it ASAP.
I have been slowly reading Mother Teresa’s “No Greater Love.”
Her book has helped me to understand more about humility and what it should look like in my life…