Brace yourselves. Christmas time is officially upon us: which means garland, eggnog, lawn displays, and–of course–music. We know some of you just couldn’t wait to start playing Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You or The Temptation’s rendition of Silent Night. Some of you probably even started playing your Christmas playlist on Thanksgiving, as some sociopaths are known to do. Just kidding. Christmas music is fun and that’s why we love it.
But let’s be honest: There are some pretty creepy Christmas tunes out there. Have you ever just sat down and thought about the lyrics to some Christmas songs? No? Don’t worry. We got you.
The 12 Days of Christmas
So, let’s start with the fact that the for the first 4 days, “True Love” has sent you a bunch of birds–an assortment of birds no less. Then True Love sends you some jewelry. Did Steve Harvey write a new dating advice book that we don’t know about? Are people sending each other live foul to express their undying love these days? RELEVANT may not be the premiere resource on romance, but it’s generally accepted that if one is left with the choice of sending birds or gold to someone they’re into, gold is probably the way to go. Lead with the gold.
Just when you think those days were just a part of the weirdest gold digger test (that is: send a few winged reptiles and see if your boo thang will stick around long enough for the good stuff) guess what happens on days six and seven: even bigger birds!
It gets worse as the week goes on. True love starts sending servants and entertainers: people, basically. Where are these people coming from? Better not ask too many questions. One thing is clear: True love is rich, has a bird obsession, and is trafficking actual people to your house. Somebody please call Iyanla, Liam Neeson, Olivia Pope–somebody!–somebody’s got to intervene.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
So, most people already put two and two together on this one. Daddy and mommy thought the kid was in bed and decided to have an intimate night by the fireplace and the Christmas tree, with a little role playing involved. Hey! We’re not judging (well, maybe a little, but): “the marriage bed remains undefiled,” says Paul.
The weird thing is, the kid narrating this story seems really comfortable with this scene–like uncomfortably comfortable.
“Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night,” sings the kid.
No, son. If mommy was actually having an affair with the magical being that slides down your chimney once a year, that would probably devastate your family. I mean, mommy is definitely leaving daddy for Santa. How could he compete with a world-famous public figure who brings joy to the entire world in one night? Yeah. You’d probably be having two Christmases after catching mommy cheating, and one of them would be at the North Pole (wait. that may not actually be terrible).
That it wasn’t an actual affair doesn’t make it much better. Cause the kid kinda’ stands there long enough to see alot:
Then I saw mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
Kids aren’t usually so fascinated by PDA. You know–because cooties. So what’s goin’ on in this house to where this all seems normal? At this point we’re asking too many questions again. We don’t wanna’ know.
Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
“He sees you when you’re sleeping
He knows when you’re awake
He knows when you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!”
You’re not fooling anyone, John Frederick Coots! George Orwell wrote about this kind of surveilence in his book 1984. “Santa Claus” is Big Brother and we’re not gonna’ take the advent of your dystopian police-state lying down–even if you announce your manifesto for world domination and social control with a catchy little diddy!
Baby, Its Cold Outside
This lady is trying to end the date. He’s trying to stop her. Nuff said.
This holiday jam is all fun and games until you realize it’s about a tragic sleigh accident. In the second verse (which, yes, is totally a thing) the rider and the unfortunate “Miss Fanny Bright” get stuck in a snowbank. Things devolve pretty quickly from there:
“MISS FANNIE BRIGHT / SEATED BY MY SIDE / THE HORSE WAS LEAN AND LANK/ MISFORTUNE SEEMED HIS LOT / HE GOT INTO A DRIFTED BANK / AND WE GOT UPSOT.”
Pretty sure that “upsot” is a non-word for pandemonium! Then, poor songwriter, slips on the ice and hurts his back, as people pass by and just laugh at him.
“I WENT OUT ON THE SNOW / AND ON MY BACK I FELL / A GENT WAS RIDING BY / IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH / HE LAUGHED A THERE I SPRAWLING LIE / BUT QUICKLY DROVE AWAY.”
We’re not saying that you shouldn’t add any of these to your Christmas playlist. But as you do, just remember that the most wonderful time of the year is also kinda weird.