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10 Hilariously Bad Christian Knockoff Toys That Tried (and Failed) to Be Cool

10 Hilariously Bad Christian Knockoff Toys That Tried (and Failed) to Be Cool

If you were a church kid in the ‘90s, your toy collection probably looked like the clearance aisle of a Christian bookstore. While your friends were out there catching Pokémon and building LEGO cities, you were stuck battling Goliath in Redemption or trying to trade your Faithful Friends doll for a real Barbie (spoiler: no one was interested).

The ‘90s Christian industrial complex was obsessed with creating “safe” alternatives to secular culture, which led to an avalanche of poorly branded knockoffs. These toys weren’t just off-brand—they were off-the-deep-end. Here are 10 of the most hilariously misguided attempts at making Christianity “cool.”

1. Bible-Opoly

Late for the Sky Bible-Opoly Board Game

Nothing captures the spirit of the Gospel quite like crushing your opponents in a capitalistic land grab. In Bible-Opoly, you buy churches instead of properties and collect tithes instead of rent, because obviously the best way to teach kids about faith is through religious real estate domination. Just like in real Monopoly, the game never actually ends—it just causes permanent family rifts.

2. Redemption Trading Card Game

Game - Redemption -Israel's Deliverance Card Pack | Swanson Inc

While your secular friends were summoning Charizard, you were trying to defeat the forces of evil with the prophet Elijah. Redemption was a Christian alternative to Pokémon and Magic: The Gathering, but instead of battling monsters, you were fighting sin. Imagine the excitement of a showdown between Nebuchadnezzar and the apostle Paul. Yeah, didn’t think so.

3. Heroes of the Faith

Heroes of Faith Noah's Ark Action Figure Set

Why play with action heroes when you can have biblical warriors who literally smite their enemies? These knockoff G.I. Joes came with swords, shields, and names like “Mighty Samson” and “Lion Slayer David.” Sadly, there was no “Turn the Other Cheek” Jesus figure, but you could get a Roman centurion to reenact the crucifixion. Because nothing says “wholesome” like that.

4. Bible Man Action Figures

Looking for these bibleman action figures in box (and the platinum one) : r/ ActionFigures

Somewhere between Power Rangers and Batman, the Christian entertainment industry decided we needed a hero who fought evil with Bible verses. Enter Bible Man, the crime-fighting evangelist in purple spandex, armed with the “Sword of the Spirit” (read: a plastic lightsaber). Naturally, they made action figures, because what child wouldn’t want a toy that looked like a rejected Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers villain?

5. Left Behind: The Board Game

Talicor Left Behind-The Movie Board Game

Imagine The Game of Life, but instead of going to college or getting married, you’re dodging the Antichrist and trying to survive the Tribulation. The Left Behind board game let you experience the absolute joy of wondering if you were about to be beheaded for your faith. It’s honestly shocking that this wasn’t marketed as a Saw spin-off.

6. Praise Ponies

Whether or not you're an MLP person, you have to agree it's better than Praise  Ponies. : r/religiousfruitcake

Instead of playing with My Little Ponies named “Twilight Sparkle” and “Rainbow Dash,” you got “Faith,” “Grace” and “Hope,” who presumably spent most of their time praying instead of galloping through magical lands. Their main feature? Saddles embroidered with Bible verses—because apparently, nothing says “the Lord is my shepherd” like an equine with inspirational stitching.

7. Building Blocks

Want to build a minitrue Jesus? How about the Tower of Babel (so you can knock it over, because theology)? These Bible-themed LEGO knockoffs were supposed to inspire creativity while teaching kids about biblical architecture. Unfortunately, they weren’t compatible with actual LEGOs, meaning your Ark was destined to be a flimsy, heretical mess.

8. God Girl Dolls

Why have Barbie when you could have “Hope” or “Charity”? These dolls were Christian alternatives to Barbie, dressed like they were about to lead a VBS singalong. Their accessories included mini Bibles instead of career-advancing outfits. There was no “Business Executive Becky,” but at least you could pretend Charity was going to save souls on the mission field.

9. Ten Plagues of Egypt Toys

Amazon.com: Rite Lite Passover Ten Plague Finger Puppets 9” Vinyl : Toys &  Games

You know how McDonald’s would do a special Happy Meal toy that tied in to a new cartoon movie? We assume a toy maker out there wanted to do that with The Prince of Egypt and this was the best they could come up with. And while we appreciate the effort, we cannot in good faith ever, under any circumstance, suggest that it was a good idea to give kids a toy figurine of lice, locusts and boils.

10. Captain Bible Video Game

Before there was Doom, there was… okay, no, Doom came first. But some Christian developers apparently looked at Doom and Mega Man and thought, “What if we did this, but biblical?” In Captain Bible in Dome of Darkness, you played a spandex-clad Christian superhero who had to walk around a dystopian city battling cybernetic demons—not with weapons, but by quoting Scripture at them. And no, you didn’t get to choose the verses. You had to memorize them. Every battle was basically an AWANA Bible quiz, but with worse graphics.

Honorable Mentions — Games that should have been made but somehow never were:

  • Missionary Monopoly (because buying hotels is too sinful, but colonizing the world for Jesus is fine)
  • Jesus Jenga (where toppling the tower symbolized the fall of man)
  • Sanctified Skip-It (surely someone thought about it)

These toys were the ultimate proof that Christian parents in the ‘90s were determined to keep secular culture at bay. But let’s be real—if you were a Christian kid, you definitely owned at least one of these, and you definitely tried to trade it for a real toy when no one was looking.

© 2023 RELEVANT Media Group, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

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