If you keep an eye on cultural trends, it becomes pretty easy to predict what’s coming next. To prove it, here are 10 things that are absolutely going to happen in the year of our Lord two thousand and seventeen.
01 Bed Bath and Beyond will announce that they can install a forehead chip to save 20%.
Sure, it’s one of the scariest signs of the end times, but it’s also the end of getting those big cards in the mail every single day of your life.
02 After removing the headphone jack from the iPhone 7, Apple will reveal the iPhone 8 doesn’t have a screen.
Sticking to the “less is more” mentality, Apple will make a controversial announcement that the screen has been removed from the iPhone 8 so there’s more room for an improved camera. Turns out it’s just a disposable camera. They will sell 800 million units.
03 After the credits of every single movie, Nick Fury will show up and recruit someone for the Avengers.
If you think there are way too many superhero movies and TV shows now, just wait until Marvel announces their deal with literally every studio that’ll make way for the most convoluted Avengers movie of all time featuring Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, The Hulk, Black Widow, Jack Sparrow, Vin Diesel (as himself), Luke Skywalker, Christian Grey, the Annabelle doll, Lightning McQueen and the cups from Anna Kendrick’s song in Pitch Perfect.
04 The world will finally realize that “fantasy football experts” aren’t experts at all.
Guess what? If I pick a dozen guys to do well each week, a few of them are going to do well. Plus you don’t have to be an expert to see that if a struggling quarterback is playing against a strong defense, I probably shouldn’t start that quarterback. Seriously, how is this a job?
05 The world will officially run out of ways to reimagine Disney Princesses.
After an exhausting endeavor to reimagine Ariel, Belle and Pocahontas as everything from girls with short hair to cement mixers to hot dogs, the internet will finally announce that it is officially out of Disney Princess ideas. Instead they’ll move on to Disney Princess sidekicks and the whole process will start over again.
06 In a tearful interview with Dateline, Psalty the Songbook will finally admit that he doesn’t know how to read.
“Everyone assumes because I’m a songbook, you know, that I must be able to read. But …” A GoFundMe will launch to send him back to school but it’s quickly removed after the only donations are $18 from Gerbert and a “You can do it!” from BibleMan.
07 J.J. Abrams will go to everyone’s parent’s house and remake all of their old home movies.
If you thought Abrams was done with Star Trek and Star Wars, think again. Abrams will spend all of 2017 remaking and rebooting all of the footage of you as a child. Your kindergarten graduation will be reshot and replaced with a sleek, new version that stars some child star as you. It’ll be three hours long and make no sense, but will gross $4 billion.
08 Human expression will be replaced with actual emojis that spew out of our mouths.
Instead of laughing, you’ll just open your mouth and dozens of emojis will tumble through your lips. On one hand, it’s like a horrifying episode of Black Mirror, but on the other hand, thousands of “emoji sweeping” jobs will be created. Yay?
09 Clickbait headlines will devolve into nothing but adjectives and abrupt sounds.
Gone are the days of article headlines that actually tell what the article is about. In 2018 you’ll just be clicking on buzzwords and hoping it’s full of Emma Stone reaction gifs you haven’t seen before.
10 Starting a Twitter parody account will become a federal offense.
After having to endure parody accounts based on every single pop culture event since 2009, a hero will rise and propose a law making the creation of a parody account an act of terrorism. It will be approved unanimously.
is a writer and comedian. Follow him on Twitter @robfee for more jokes.