At their best, superheroes can unite a city—or even the planet. Not only do they protect, they bring hope of a safer, better world.
And then there’s Ant-Man.
With the tiny hero coming to the big screen this weekend, we’re about to see how much an insect-based hero inspires. And that got us thinking: What other superheros are out there that inspire about as much excitement as ants? And so, we give you a selection of really lame superheroes.
Powers: His suit shrinks him down to ant size, but with the strength he has when he’s full-sized. It also lets him telepathically communicate with ants.
Marvel is now expecting moviegoers to pay $12 to see a movie about man with power of ants. The real test of power will be whether Paul Rudd can make anyone interested in an ant-based super hero. If he can, that’ll be super.
Powers: Becomes a huge, green, out-of-control monster when he gets mad.
Besides the green and huge part, isn’t this just what toddlers do? Or that guy wearing an Ed Hardy shirt?
Powers: Can communicate with sea creatures, swim really fast and breathe underwater.
We weren’t able to find statistics for how much criminal activity happens underwater, but if you’re planning ocean-based crime, you should be very afraid of Aquaman and his legions of fish-helpers.
Powers: Superhuman strength. Also, apparently he’s a great pilot (?).
He’s orange and bulky and tries out catchphrases like “it’s clobbering time!” Wait, wasn’t the Thing on Jersey Shore?
Powers: His actual powers are unclear, but he spends most of his time in non-contact lightsaber duels with sin-metaphors.
Let’s all be honest, in the world of church library video options, this one wasn’t that lame. After that Blockbuster opened up, though, it all tanked for Bibleman’s street cred.
Powers: He’s really in shape and has some bow and arrow skills.
We saw a better side of him in the latest Avengers movie, but Hawkeye is still basically the Avengers’ lame little brother who they let tag along with them because he sometimes manages to shoot some bad guys.
Powers: Creates shock waves. And has amazing break dancing skills.
He could basically create earthquakes, which is pretty cool. But he spent more of his time break dancing. Unsurprisingly, he got killed off pretty fast.
Powers: Can fly, shape shift and dole out environmental puns.
If you grew up in the ’90s, you may have been fooled into thinking Captain Planet was actually cool. But while other superheroes were fighting dangerous criminals, Captain Planet was fighting littering.
Powers: He hangs out with Batman. Also looks great in tights.
Not only is Robin’s outfit easily the most humiliating uniform of all time, but it also doesn’t even accomplish the one purpose of superhero outfits: masking his identity at all.
Powers: Can fly, due primarily to his huge wings.
Is this even a power? A lot of heroes can fly, and most of them don’t require gigantic angel wings to do so. Fortunately for him, he can somehow hide his wings under his clothing—a superpower all in itself. No one can take that from him.
Powers: Has God-given superhuman strength.
Despite the inevitable cheesiness, Captain Salvation had potential to be somewhat cool. But then his creators decided that instead of being able to fly, he and his sidekick would get around via a Harley Davidson with a sidecar.
Powers: Can communicate with squirrels and has various squirrel-related abilities—like chewing through trees, scratching people with her claws, grabbing things with her prehensile tail and superhuman “squirrel agility” and strength. Can also talk to squirrels.
Her downfall: Not being able to decide which side of the road she wants to be on.
Powers: Can eat matter in all forms.
Matter-Eater Lad can chew through anything, but so can all natives of his home planet, Bismoll. And for that matter (boom), so can goats.
Dargan is a former RELEVANT editor turned freelancer. Find her online at darganthompson.com or follow her extremely random train of thought on Twitter @darganthompson.