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Hollywood Has Officially Run Out of New Ideas

If you needed any more proof Hollywood will stop at nothing to cash in the nostalgia from your formative years, look no farther than the upcoming release calendar in 2012. It’s a treasure trove of movies popular when you were a kid now being retooled and theatrically re-released in 3D. First up: Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. The press release states the conversion to 3D has been “meticulous,” and Industrial Light & Magic has undertaken the process with a “keen eye for … artistic intentions.” Which means Jar Jar Binks will still exist, the little kid who plays Anakin will still yell “yippee” and the film will still haunt your dreams. George Lucas has announced plans to release a 3D conversion of all six films, so in 2015 there will be a 3D Star Wars you might care about.

In April, James Cameron will debut the 3D version of Titanic, so you can relive all of those incredibly awkward moments you experienced when your parents took you to see it in middle school. But
now that awkwardness is in 3D!

And fresh off the success of the 3D re-release of The Lion King, Disney has announced plans to release Beauty and the Beast, Monsters, Inc., Finding Nemo and The Little Mermaid with an extra dimension over the next few years. Whether or not any of those movies will be improved by adding 3D technology remains to be seen, but it’s sure to make Disney a whole bunch of money.

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We’d like to humbly suggest 3D should be used where it truly matters: awesome ’80s action movies. At least one studio seems to be on board—Top Gun is getting the 3D treatment in 2012. But until Red Dawn, Over the Top and Commando get re-released in three glorious, eye-popping dimensions, we’ll consider the technology failed.

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