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Monday Shocker: Chris Brown Accused of Assault

Sit down. Get some water. We don’t want to completely overwhelm your system with this news, but somebody’s got to report it. You’re going to hear it sooner or later, and it might as well be from us. It looks like Chris Brown, America’s sweetheart, may have possibly been involved in some sort of parking lot brawl with Frank Ocean. There’s no way to know for sure, because Brown split before police could show up (no doubt to save America the embarrassment of having its prince of pop so disgraced) and left Ocean to fill authorities in on what happened. Could Brown, so renowned for his unending patience and aversion to violence, have been involved in an assault? It sadly looks to be the case. Stay auto-tuned …

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