Yo, teens! What’s your potion, Frank Ocean? Today, we’re here to rap at you about the Oscars but don’t have a cow, man! We know that most Oscar movies are too long to the max and never have any Dua Lipa or Jaden Smith at all, which is why they’re one-way ticket to Major Bummer Town, population: us. But this just in: The cool cats in the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (but you can just call them “The Academy,” homeskillet) are updating the Oscars so that X-TREME teens like you can tune in, chill out and bless up.
For example, this year’s Oscars aren’t going to have any normie olds handing out the Oscars. Instead, it’ll be kings and queens like DJ Khaled, Tony Hawk, Shaun White and Kelly Slater. There are so many hip, happening celebs handing out awards at this year’s Oscars that they didn’t even have room for the leading lady at one of the Best Picture nominees. Far out!
And you know how the Oscars used to be soooo long? Like, even longer than “All Too Well (Ten Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version)?” (No hate, Taylor! Love you, bestie!). Well, now now the Acada-deelio has cut eight of the awards from the broadcast (snooze alert: best original score, film editing, production design, makeup and hairstyling, sound, documentary short subject, live action short film and animated short film) and replaced them with two new categories: #OscarsFanFavorite and #OscarsCheerMoment — which are voted on by brosephs and sisterinos like you.
That means that even though this year’s Best Picture nominees might still be a bunch of long, slow, boring #content for lame-o’s, we can still vote for super sick movies like Spider-Man: No Way Home (the one with three Spider-Guys, including the two who were, like, a million years old) and Sing 2.
The changes have really ground the gears of some old nobodies. Some guy named Denis Villeneuve said the Oscars made a “mistake” and another guy named Stephen Spielberg said he was “not optimistic” about the changes. But come on, what do those guys know about movies anyway? What do any of these 70 people know?
The Oscars are this Sunday and we can’t wait to kick-flip into the film biz with all you cool cats and kittens at big film par-tay! See you down the rivers, Phoebe Bridgers!
