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Nothing Can Prepare You for the Trailer for This Insane Christian Surfing Movie

Nothing Can Prepare You for the Trailer for This Insane Christian Surfing Movie

Every year on average, Hollywood releases around 600 movies. Six hundred! And of those 600, there is an incredible array of diversity, from prestigious awards bait to superhero flicks to spooky horror thrillers to goofball comedies. Some are shameless cash grabs, some are real artistic ventures attempting to say something true and beautiful to our time and place. Six hundred movies of a dizzying mix of quality, merit and overall value added to the world.

There is, however, only one Christian surfing movie coming out this year. And judging by the trailer for Surfer: Teen Confronts Fear, that’s for the best. Are you ready? Are you ready to watch this trailer? You may think you’re ready (“It’s just a trailer. How ready do I have to be?”). Well, check this out: You are not ready. But then, you can never be ready so, you might as well just press play and kiss everything you thought you knew good-bye.

Alright. We don’t know much more about this thing than you do, but the trailer certainly makes some big promises. “Military intrigue.” “Surfing action.” Uh …”Impact zone makes kings.” And of course, “Friendship stroung enough?” which appears to be both the central tension here and indicative of the sort of attention to detail we can expect from Surf: Teen Confronts Fear. The movie is also evidently heavy with Christian themes, featuring “multiple oral tellings of Bible stories.”

Vice was able to score a screening in Los Angeles, where this crowdfunded film played for a week to net be eligible for Academy consideration (sure, folks). Everything we know comes via this write-up on their website and if anything, the movie sounds even crazier than the trailer, featuring a 10-minute monologue shot in a single take, which is evidently the longest single take movie monologue in history—a record that had probably never been broken for a reason. Among the quotes from said monologue is evidently the line: “God put me together with squid and electricity! We don’t have a lot of time … I’m gonna melt back into the ocean. I wasn’t supposed to FEEL!!”

The movie has found a surprising fan base amongst the L.A. comedy set, who are hailing it as the next iteration of The Room, Tommy Wiseau’s infamously awful self-funded film. That’s not exactly the acclaim Surfer: Teen Confronts Fear was aiming for but as we all know, if you’re frozen in fear deep inside, sometime the only thing left to do is just let go.

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