Christian Twitter. As Monty Python’s King Arthur said of Camelot, “‘Tis a silly place.” And if you’ve spent any amount of time on Twitter, you’re probably aware of the strange negotiations that take place among Christians on Twitter, where denominations break along internet-y lines, and silos pop up along digital/social byways.
Do they fight? You bet your Balaam’s donkey they do. Everyone fights on Twitter, after all. But you’re not really going to understand what they’re fighting about if you don’t understand the various types, and that’s what we’re here for.
What follows is not an exhaustive list of every type of Christian Twitter user. For one, that’d be impossible. For another, this is a culture in constant flux, so any definitive list would be outdated soon enough. But it’s a good primer on what to expect if you find yourself on Christian Twitter, and might help you make a little more sense of who you’re talking to.
The Husband/Pastor/Father (HPF)
The Profile Pic: A smiley headshot.
The Bio: You mean other than “Husband. Pastor. Father.”? Possibly a sports team, “coffee enthusiast” or a seminary, but “HPF” is the main thing (order may vary).
Cover Photo: The whole family in white button-ups, lined up in some sort of field, smiley as can be.
Loves: Hashtags, selfies with the family, having a “great day!” in church.
Triggers: “Marxism,” “CRT”
The Ancient Church Enthusiast
The Profile Pic: An ancient painting of a Church father or theologian—the older, the better.
The Bio: Some Greek and/or Latin characters, graduate school info.
Cover Photo: A picture of some ancient texts or possibly a Lord of the Rings still.
Loves: Long threads and updates on their thesis project.
Triggers: Any time a Christian influencer goes on TV to say something like, “The Church has always believed…”
The Daughter of the King
The Profile Pic: Just a little too planned to be candid.
The Bio: Bible verse and/or Hillsong lyric
Cover Photo: A group shot with friends that, yep, still looks just a little too planned.
Loves: Simply Jesus <3
Triggers: Very few. Surprisingly resilient.
The Armchair Activist
The Profile Pic: #Justice
The Bio: A quote incorrectly attributed to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Cover Photo: A protest they did not attend.
Loves: “This is NOT NORMAL.”
Triggers: Anything they can be involved in.
Weird Christian Twitter User
The Profile Pic: Deliberately unflattering photo
The Bio: Evangelical Thought Leader™
Cover Photo: ’90s Christian Kitsch
Loves: Youth Pastor jokes (ironically), Amy Grant (sincerely)
Triggers: Podcast interviews where everyone realizes they’re actually pretty normal
The Profile Pic: Selfie with visible tattoos
The Bio: Just says “exvangelical.”
Cover Photo: A protest they actually did attend.
Loves: Karl Marx, Brene Brown. Also Amy Grant (sincerely).
Triggers: Any time a Christian influencer goes on TV to say something like “The Church has always believed…”
The Devil’s Advocate “for Jesus”
The Profile Pic: Flattering selfie
The Bio: “Too conservatives for liberals, too liberal for conservatives”
Cover Photo: A library interior from Stocksy
Loves: Jumping into threads with a “Well, actually…” or trying to force an argument under the guise of “just asking questions.” Also known on Twitter as “Sealioning.”
Triggers: Anytime someone responds with “What’s your point?”
The Christian Patriot
The Profile Pic: Bald eagle or painting of an AK-47 wielding Abraham Lincoln
The Bio: “God. Family. Country. In that order.”
Cover Photo: American flag or Declaration of Independence, bonus points for an out-of-context Bible verse over it
Loves: Says it’s “God, family, country, in that order” but it sure looks like the other way around.
Triggers: Other people saying they have triggers.
The Christian Resistor
The Profile Pic: A photoshopped picture of former President Donald Trump
The Bio: #NotMyPresident
Cover Photo: Another photoshopped picture of former President Donald Trump.
Loves: Replying to any and all tweets from blue check conservative accounts with photoshopped pictures of former President Donald Trump.
Triggers: Being reminded that Trump is no longer President.
The Pretend God
The Profile Pic: Michelangelo’s painting of God
The Bio: “Creator of the Universe”
Cover Photo: Clouds, sky, etc.
Loves: Trolling Christians with snarky “I never said that” quote-tweets or “I love everyone but you’re really pushing it…” dunks.
Triggers: Being reminded that the joke of any novelty account wears out pretty quickly.
The Profile Pic: Author photo, with chin resting thoughtfully on one propped up hand.
The Bio: “Your Purpose, His Passion in Christian bookstores everywhere next fall!”
Cover Photo: The book cover
Loves: Replying with “Well, this blew up. If you like this, pre-order my upcoming book!” anytime one of their tweets gets over 15 likes.
Triggers: Actually having to write the book.