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America Is Number One at All the Worst Stuff

America Is Number One at All the Worst Stuff

The National Academy of Sciences has confirmed what America has long known to be true: America is number one. Does it even matter what America is number one at? It’s so obvious that it’s almost redundant to say it, but, in the interest of journalistic integrity, we might as well get into the details. When put up against Canada, Australia, Japan, Britain, France, Portugal, Italy and Germany and eight other developed nations, America came in first for all kinds of stuff: Infant mortality, injury and homicide rates, teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, AIDS, drug abuse, obesity and diabetes, heart disease, lung disease, and disabilities. And, obviously, America shows no signs of slowing down. “It’s a tragedy,” said Dr. Steven Woolf, who chaired the panel. “Our report found that an equally large, if not larger, disadvantage exists among younger Americans.” Well, sure, if you call “being number one” a “tragedy,” Dr. Woolf. And that doesn’t even touch on violence, in which “Americans are seven times more likely to be murdered than people in the other countries, and 20 times more likely to be killed by a gun.” But, unfortunately, Americans have the lowest blood pressure and cholesterol rates, so it’s time to step up our game there …

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