Christmas is a stressful holiday for all of us, though the specific stresses may vary. Some of us are worried about getting the perfect Christmas gift for that someone special to let them know how we really feel. Some of us are worried about getting the kids all ready for the big Christmas play. And some of us — probably not anyone reading this site, to be honest, but you never know — are worried about our Satanic Christmas ornaments getting stolen from our Satanic Christmas tree.
This news comes from the Bay Area, where there’s a giant Christmas in the Park attraction featuring hundreds of Christmas trees. Among those trees is one sponsored by the Satanic Bay Area, which local reports describe as “a grassroots group of atheistic Satanists” (many modern Satanic groups are actually just non-theist communities who troll the normies by calling themselves “Satanists”). Their tree originally had about 140 ornaments, but they’re quickly running out because sticky-fingered troublemakers keep stealing them.
And it’s not just the Satanic Bay Area Group that’s been afflicted. Last year, the Satanic Temple — a different group of San Francisco Satanists — had their goat head tree topper stolen. Local news says that the Bay Area Satanists are pleading with people to stop stealing their ornaments. This, we should note, would be the kind of time where it’d be really useful to have some sort of rule against stealing on the books. Maybe — and we’re just spitballing here — some sort of Commandment or something.
“It’s kind of ironic there’s a Satanic Christmas tree, just in general,” Rory Fry, an astute visitor to Christmas in the Park, told local reporters. “I’m surprised more hasn’t happened to it.”
Park officials said they can’t keep an eye on every single tree in the park, and discourage groups against decorating with anything too valuable.
“We’re touched that folks in other groups have offered to help make new ornaments,” the Satanic Bay Area Group said in a Facebook post. “And that’s what Satanic community is all about: coming together and supporting each other.”
