It can feel like everyone is deconstructing these days. Your favorite Christian influencer? Deconstructing. That couple from your college ministry? Deconstructing. The guy who used to lead worship every week? He’s now quoting Richard Rohr and reposting astrology memes.
Meanwhile, you’re still here. Still following Jesus. Still going to church, even if it’s complicated. You’ve had questions, sure — but you haven’t walked away. And now you’re trying to figure out how to stay close to your friends without losing yourself in the process.
If you feel like the only one who hasn’t hit a spiritual crisis, you’re not imagining things. According to a 2023 study from Barna Group, nearly half of practicing Christians under 30 say they’ve gone through a “significant season of doubt” about their beliefs. Pew Research projects that if current trends continue, Christianity could become a minority religion in the U.S. by 2070. Something is shifting — and it’s shifting fast.
But not everyone is deconstructing. Some are watching their friends walk away, questioning everything, while they’re still committed to Jesus — even if they’re also a little exhausted by the culture war sermons and Instagram theology. So where does that leave you?
Dr. Sarah Williams, a church historian at Regent College, says, “We are living through a reformation moment. When people deconstruct, they’re not always abandoning faith — they may be seeking something more authentic. But those who stay need just as much intentional reflection as those who are leaving.”
In other words, staying doesn’t mean coasting.
You don’t have to have all the answers
One of the biggest mistakes people make when their friends start deconstructing is slipping into apologetics mode. “It’s not about winning an argument,” says Justin Brierley, author of The Surprising Rebirth of Belief in God. “What many people are looking for isn’t a debate, but a place where their questions are taken seriously. The church hasn’t always been great at that.”
Rather than offering rebuttals, try offering curiosity. Ask what triggered their doubts. Ask what they miss. Ask what they’re still holding on to. You don’t need to agree to be a safe person. In fact, that might be what they need most.
Don’t freak out
It’s easy to panic when someone you care about starts pulling on the thread of belief. But research suggests that deconstruction isn’t the faith death spiral we often assume. A study from Lifeway Research found that 68 percent of young adults who stop attending church eventually return — usually after a period of reexamination. And a 2022 survey from Springtide Research Institute found that 74 percent of Gen Z still say they’re “spiritual” even if they don’t trust organized religion.
Translation? Many people aren’t giving up on God. They’re giving up on performance, politics and pressure masquerading as faith.
Look inward, too
It’s tempting to play the role of the faithful friend — stable, unshakable, secure. But if everyone around you is questioning, maybe it’s worth asking: Have I made space for doubt in my own life?
The point of staying isn’t to stay stuck. The Gospel invites growth, and growth often requires some demolition. Not of God Himself, but of the false ideas we’ve built up around Him.
“Deconstruction isn’t the enemy,” says Dr. A.J. Swoboda, author of After Doubt. “Dishonesty is. Pretending everything is fine when it’s not is a far greater threat to faith than asking hard questions.”
Resist the urge to other them
When friends leave church or start asking big questions, it’s easy to feel defensive — or even betrayed. But drawing a line between “us” and “them” misses the point. Christianity isn’t about tribal loyalty. It’s about truth. And if we believe that truth is a person — Jesus — then we shouldn’t be afraid of where honest seeking leads.
Let your friendship be a place where the Gospel still feels like good news, not a trapdoor. That means listening more than preaching, showing up without an agenda and trusting that God’s not as fragile as we sometimes act.
Hold space without holding back
Your faith matters. Don’t minimize it just because someone else is questioning theirs. At the same time, don’t weaponize it. You can hold conviction and compassion at the same time. That’s maturity. That’s love. That’s Jesus.
Being the “non-deconstructing” friend doesn’t mean you’re better, stronger or wiser. It just means your path looks different right now. But if you’re willing to walk it humbly — and walk alongside those who are wrestling — you might find your own faith deepening in ways you never expected.
After all, the early church didn’t grow because everyone agreed. It grew because people stayed connected, even when they didn’t. That might still be the way forward.
