It happens gradually. One day, your friend is leading the discussion at Bible study, always the first to RSVP for a church event. The next, they’re skipping small group more often. then missing Sunday services altogether. Before long, their conversations about faith are replaced with musings about “rethinking things” or “finding a new path.” It’s subtle at first then unmistakable.
Watching someone close to you drift away from faith is disorienting. It’s not just that they don’t believe what they used to—it’s that their shift can leave you questioning your own convictions. What does it mean for your friendship? Should you address it head-on or let it be? Do you challenge them or just hope they find their way back?
First, let’s get this out of the way: Spiritual divergence is nothing new. People have been wrestling with faith for, well, forever. But in an era where “deconstruction” is a buzzword and exvangelical discourse dominates social media, these shifts feel more visible than ever. And if you’re serious about your faith, it can be hard not to take a friend’s departure personally. So how do you navigate this without losing your mind (or your friend)?
1. Don’t Make It About You
When someone you care about leaves the faith, it can feel like a personal betrayal. After all, you’ve prayed together, served together, maybe even shared formative spiritual moments. But their decision isn’t about you.
Faith is deeply personal, and people arrive at different conclusions for all sorts of reasons—disillusionment with the Church, intellectual doubts, personal experiences of suffering or just sheer exhaustion from trying to hold it all together. Your role isn’t to debate them into returning but to listen and understand where they’re coming from.
2. Avoid the “Fix-It” Mentality
It’s tempting to treat a friend’s spiritual shift like a problem to be solved, but spoiler: You’re not the Holy Spirit. People don’t usually change their minds because someone hit them with a well-crafted apologetics argument in a group chat. If your first instinct is to send them a Keller quote or a podcast dissecting their doubts, take a breath.
Instead, try this: Ask them what led them to where they are. Not in a “gotcha” way, but in a real, “I care about you” way. Listen more than you talk. Be curious, not combative. Your friendship should be a safe place for them to process, not another battlefield where they feel they have to defend themselves.
3. Hold Space for Your Own Questions
If you’ve ever had a friend walk away from the faith, you’ve probably felt it: that creeping, nagging worry. What if they’re onto something? What if the doubts they’re voicing are ones you’ve secretly had too? Welcome to being human.
Doubt isn’t the enemy of faith—unchecked fear is. If their journey stirs up questions in you, don’t panic. Instead, lean into them. Wrestle with them in community. Talk to people who have walked through doubt and come out the other side. Faith isn’t a static thing; it’s meant to grow, stretch and deepen. Having questions doesn’t mean you’re losing faith. It means you’re taking it seriously.
4. Set Boundaries (But Not Walls)
Let’s be real—sometimes a friend’s spiritual shift isn’t just about what they believe; it’s about how they treat you because of it. Maybe they’ve started mocking what they once held dear. Maybe every conversation turns into an exhausting debate. Maybe they’ve decided Christianity is the root of all evil and, by association, so are you. That’s tough.
You don’t have to keep engaging in conversations that drain you. It’s okay to say, “Hey, I love you but I don’t think it’s helpful for us to keep having this same debate over and over.” Healthy friendships allow for differences without constant hostility. If a relationship is no longer serving either of you, it’s okay to step back. That doesn’t mean you’ve given up on them—it just means you’re protecting your peace.
5. Keep Loving Them (Without an Agenda)
If your friendship is contingent on someone believing exactly what you do, then it’s not really a friendship—it’s a membership club. Jesus didn’t love people based on how theologically aligned they were with Him. He loved people because that’s who He was.
You’re not in charge of anyone’s salvation. You’re in charge of how you show up. So keep showing up. Keep inviting them to things. Keep being there when life gets hard. Not in a “maybe if I love them enough, they’ll come back” way, but in a “you’re my friend and I love you regardless” way.
6. Trust That God’s Bigger Than This
It’s easy to freak out when someone you love walks away from faith, but remember: This isn’t the end of their story. People’s spiritual journeys are long and winding, and faith can look different at different seasons of life. Just because someone is in a place of doubt now doesn’t mean they’ll always be. And even if they never come back to the version of faith they once had, God’s still at work.
Your friend is not your project. They’re not your failure. They’re a person who is figuring things out just like you. So let go of the pressure to “save” them. Pray for them, be there for them and trust that God’s love for them is even greater than yours.
The Bottom Line
Losing a friend to a faith shift can feel like losing a part of your own history. But it doesn’t have to be the end of your friendship—or your faith. The best thing you can do is approach the situation with empathy, honesty and an open heart. Because at the end of the day, love—not arguments, not apologetics, not a perfectly worded text—is what changes people.
And if that sounds a little cliché, well, blame Jesus. He said it first.
