What Your PastorÕs Jeans Say About Their Theology

12 types of jeans and their important spiritual implications.

BY JESSE CAREY GOD April 01, 2015

While much of the Internet is filled with ridiculous listicles, joke stories and various types of tomfoolery, we at RELEVANT have decided to take the high road.

Instead, we’ve elected to run a valuable piece of journalism and insight to edify and enlighten our readers: After months of research, investigation and study, we’ve uncovered an issue that the Church must reckon with: Our team of reporters and theologians has finally been able to determine what your pastor’s jeans say about their theology.

Jeans with Elaborate Crosses Stitched on the Back Pockets

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This pastor’s sermons are likely filled with lots of cool, overly elaborate illustrations and clips from Braveheart, but this motorcycle-driving cool guy is likely theologically conservative (despite what his be-dazzled denim would have you believe). Like his jeans, his messages are flashy, but not too flashy.

Extremely Tattered Jeans

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Unless the holes in the jeans are only found on the knees—a sign of a jeans-wearing prayer warrior—this pastor’s messages are likely similar to his pant choice: NOT APPROPRIATE FOR SUNDAY MORNING.

Carpenter Jeans

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Sure, they may not be as fashionable as they once were, but Jesus was a carpenter, so this pastor is probably pretty solid.

JNCO Jeans

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Back in the ’90s, this minister was likely the coolest youth pastor in town. However, his choice of jeans is an indication he has not moved on from his 1994 Aquire the Fire heyday, and that his preferred method of outreach is probably still free ska concerts in the sanctuary. He has frequently wondered why attendance is dropping.

Pleated Jeans

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This individual is clearly a heretic. Run from this church.

Overall Jeans

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Your pastor does not care about what other people think if they are wearing overalls in the pulpit. In some ways, this can be a positive trait and a sign of a strong leader. But at some point, accountability from more fashionable elders should take place.

Bootcut Jeans

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If your pastor is not actually some sort of ranch hand and is wearing bootcut jeans for fashion reasons, not practical ones, then they may be prone to trendy church movements and lack the substance and self-assurance of some teachers. Either that, or they just like Old Navy.

Mom/Dad Jeans

Comfortable. Practical. Can be used in all occasions. We’re not just talking about the jeans, we’re talking about the sermons from these denim wearers. Expect a lot of messages based on a quick seven points or some sort of acronym.

Skinny Jeans

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Watch out for these hipster, tight-jean wearing youngsters. They’re probably reading a Rob Bell book and listening to secular music.

Button Fly Jeans

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There is no good reason for button fly jeans to exist. Zippers are perfectly adequate. What’s this pastor trying to prove, anyway? They are also likely a heretic.

Jorts

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Heretic.

Blazer and Jeans

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The blazer, jeans, black shoe combination has long been the unofficial dress code of aspiring evangelical megachurch pastors.

JESSE CAREY

Jesse Carey is an editor at RELEVANT and a mainstay on the weekly RELEVANT Podcast. He lives in Virginia Beach with his wife and two kids.

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