Recently, we’ve spent a lot of time conducting extensive research to unpack the ways men look at the world and what that means for the women who love them. (We documented the results of this in our book Through a Man’s Eyes: Helping Women Understand the Visual Nature of Men).

Part of the research looks at the reasons men are drawn to pornography so that women can understand the drive and respond appropriately if they catch their husbands in the act. While porn isn’t only a man’s issue, men are still more likely to be drawn to pornography than women. And especially in marriage, it can be difficult to know how to deal with the problem if it comes to light.

So here are five things not to say if you encounter the heartbreaking truth of your spouse’s porn usage.

“What Kind of Monster Would Look at That Filth?”

This can be a natural reaction for a typical woman to have, but our research has found that men are just naturally drawn to visual representations of sex. They aren’t monsters—they’re humans with God-given desires.

In our research, we found that most porn addicts are just normal guys who actually hate their compulsion to check out porn.

“Boys Will Be Boys.”

While God might have designed men with biological hardwiring to get a rise out of porn, that doesn’t give them an excuse to do it.

If you caught your spouse looking at porn, that means they felt ashamed enough to hide it from you. They know it’s going to hurt you, which means they know it’s not right.

The desire for visual stimulation is a good, natural thing that God placed into men, but that’s not an excuse to hide behind. Just because something is “natural” doesn’t make it right. Going to the bathroom in the woods is natural, but we don’t do that anymore, either.

“I Want a Divorce.”

Do you and your husband have issues to work out? Yes, absolutely. Does his porn use mean your marriage is over? Not at all.

We’ve seen countless marriages restored after husbands have admitted their porn addiction. In most cases, those marriages wind up being even stronger than they were before.

The fact is, while porn usage often points to something deeper between a husband and wife, that deeper thing can often be dealt with, and husbands and wives can gain a greater understanding of how they relate to one another. It can take a lot of work, counseling, and prayer, but marriages can withstand this.

“I Guess I’m Not Enough for You.”

Women often feel like they could have curbed their husband’s behavior if they’d just dressed more sexily or been more sexually available in the bedroom. But that’s just not true. You could have a great sexual relationship with your husband and he could still turn to porn.

While related to one another, sexual activity and porn are two different things that can operate independently of one another.

In other words, your husband’s porn usage truly has nothing to do with you.

“I’m sorry.”

You have nothing to apologize for.

While we want women to understand their husband’s brains, the last thing we want is for women to feel like they’re responsible for their husband’s actions. Whatever choices your husband is making, those are his choices, not yours.

Let’s say you’re driving too fast in your neighborhood because you’re hurrying home to catch the opening kickoff of the Super Bowl, and you get pulled over. The police officer may understand where you’re coming from, but do you think he’s going to accept responsibility for your speeding? No way! That’s on you, not on him.

This isn’t meant to trivialize the trauma of porn in a marriage. You aren’t your husband’s police, and porn is a much bigger deal than a speeding ticket, but the principle remains the same. This issue is between your husband and God, so he needs to own it and then do the work to get past it so it stops harming your relationship.