Sunday in church my pastor said something that landed on me like a ton of bricks. My pastor is dealing with Crohn’s Disease and he had a bad week.
Toward the end of his sermon on Matthew 5:11-16 he said, “I don’t want to waste Crohn’s.”
That line was like an arrow to my heart.
My wife Christine and I have been trying since December 2014 to have a baby. Both of us are sick of waiting. We’ve done multiple tests, taken drugs and done procedures, some of which she’s written about before.
Christine has written about how each period ends a sentence we didn’t want to end, how each month she hurts and aches for a baby. But here we are approaching two years later and nothing has changed.
We’re not alone in this. It’s not something talked much about, but 1 in 8 couples deal with it.
And this situation is why what my pastor said bothered me in such a great way.
I don’t want to waste infertility.
Our infertility must shine and glorify God.
If He is the light of the world and we are the light of the world, then He must shine in us through infertility. If everything works for my good and His glory then infertility must, too.
I can’t let my experience be only grumbling. Will we grumble to God about this? Absolutely. Where else can we go with our trouble?
But I refuse only to grumble about this. Is infertility in and of itself a good thing? No, I don’t think so. But I know that God is up to something.
There must be glory in out infertility.
I don’t know how, but I trust that when I look back on this it will be like flipping over a cross stitch. I trust that God not only knows what He’s doing but that what He’s doing will be glorious.
I trust that if and when Christine gets pregnant it will be with our child planned for us. I trust that when we adopt we will adopt our child planned for us.
I trust that God sees our tears, hears our groans and feels our pain, yet loves us enough to give us only the best.
This doesn’t mean we’ll stop trying. This doesn’t mean each month’s cruel negative announcement doesn’t deeply hurt. But this does mean that I don’t want to look back at this period of infertility and realize I wasted it.
I, by the grace of God, will live, either in this life or the next, to experience the glory of our infertility.
Disclaimer: If you’re experiencing infertility and can’t find the ability to trust God in it most days, welcome to the club. This post was written on one of my good days.