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How Jinger Duggar Vuolo Stopped Being a People Pleaser

How Jinger Duggar Vuolo Stopped Being a People Pleaser

Jinger Duggar Vuolo knows a thing or two about living under the microscope. As one of the stars of TLC’s wildly popular 19 Kids and Counting, she grew up in a home where conformity wasn’t just encouraged—it was required.

Cameras captured every smile, every yes ma’am, every perfectly orchestrated moment of the Duggar family’s highly structured life. For Jinger, keeping the peace and meeting expectations wasn’t just second nature; it was survival. People-pleasing became her coping mechanism in a world where disapproval felt dangerous and independence was seen as rebellion.

But the façade came at a cost. “I wanted everybody to be happy with me all the time,” Jinger told me, reflecting on her childhood and early adulthood. “I didn’t want to ruffle anyone’s feathers.”

That deep-seated need for approval followed her into adulthood, even as she began questioning the teachings and cultural norms that had shaped her life. “When I wrote my last book, Becoming Free Indeed, I realized just how trapped I was by people-pleasing,” she admitted. “It was terrifying to speak up because I was so afraid of breaking relationships.”

Jinger’s journey—from a child star bound by rigid expectations to a woman learning to stand firm in her convictions—is a masterclass in untangling the threads of people-pleasing. It’s not just a story about saying no or setting boundaries; it’s about reimagining relationships, faith, and identity through the lens of grace and truth.

And for young adults navigating their own minefields of societal, familial and cultural expectations, Jinger’s insights couldn’t be more timely.

Over the course of our conversation, Jinger unpacked how people-pleasing shaped her life, the roots of that behavior and how she’s learning to break free. It’s a journey that’s equal parts challenging and freeing—and one that offers practical wisdom for anyone struggling to move past the relentless need for approval.

The Roots of People-Pleasing

Vuolo’s story is not unique. Many of us can trace our people-pleasing tendencies back to specific environments or teachings. Vuolo explained it’s often rooted in how we were raised or the expectations placed on us by our caregivers. For her, the teachings she grew up with emphasized rigid rules and an almost performative joyfulness. Women, especially, were tasked with keeping everything in order—houses, husbands, children and emotions. Vulnerability or imperfection were not an option.

This culture of performance led to two extremes: over-serving or isolation. Vuolo experienced the latter.

“I would isolate myself from people because I was so afraid of disapproval,” she shared. Even casual interactions felt fraught with tension. “I didn’t want to grab coffee with someone who might ask me a hard question. I avoided moms who only fed their kids organic food because I felt judged.”

This kind of self-protection, she realized, was not only unloving but selfish. “I thought arguments meant rejection, but that’s not true. Disagreements are necessary for real relationships.”

From Fear to Freedom

Vuolo’s journey to overcoming people-pleasing started with a mindset shift.

“The first step is identifying your motivation,” she said. “It’s about asking yourself, ‘What’s my heart motivation? Who am I doing this for?’”

This shift is not easy.

“It’s a daily battle,” she admitted. “Walking into a room of people you don’t know, you immediately start thinking, ‘Do they like my outfit? Did I say something stupid?’”

These thoughts, she explained, are inherently selfish.

“True freedom comes when you stop trying to gain approval from others and start loving and serving them as Christ did.”

Vuolo’s transformation wasn’t just theoretical—it played out in everyday life. She opened up about a messy but pivotal moment shortly after moving to Los Angeles. A friend visited her cluttered house, and Vuolo was mortified when the friend’s child found an old Cheerio under the table. But instead of judging, her friend laughed it off, sparking a deep friendship.

“She became my best friend, and now we help each other tackle projects and life’s challenges,” Vuolo said.

Letting people into her life, even in its messiness, has been a game-changer.

“We were designed for community,” she said. “God gave us friendship as a gift. But real community only happens when we’re willing to be vulnerable.”

Navigating Pushback

Of course, breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t without its challenges. Vuolo has experienced first-hand how some people won’t cheer you on. She’s faced criticism for setting boundaries and speaking up, especially when her decisions didn’t align with others’ expectations.

“There were hard days where I cried, thinking, ‘This is not easy. It sucks,’” she recalled. “But I had to do what was right, even if it brought disapproval.”

Her anchor through these moments? A deeply rooted identity in Christ.

“If our worth is found in our relationship with God, that has to be the first thing that’s right,” she said. “Otherwise, we’ll crumble under others’ opinions.”

A Challenge for the People-Pleasers

For anyone caught in the trap of people-pleasing, Vuolo offers both hope and a challenge.

“It’s not about becoming selfish or callous,” she explained. “It’s about reorienting your thoughts and motivations. Are you trying to gain something from others, or are you loving them as Christ loves you?”

The journey is ongoing, but Vuolo is proof that freedom is possible.

“It’s not about making one big decision,” she said. “It’s about the small, daily choices to be honest, to set boundaries and to let people see the real you.”

© 2023 RELEVANT Media Group, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

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