Let’s face it: the Tuesday after Labor Day is like the Monday-est Tuesday of all time. After three glorious days of ignoring your alarm, devouring your body weight in BBQ and pretending calories don’t exist, the thought of “getting back into a routine” feels like a cruel joke. But society demands it, so here’s a completely realistic (or not) guide to reclaiming your routine. You’re welcome.
1. Embrace the Art of Fake Productivity
First things first, let’s be honest: you’re not going to get anything done today, and that’s okay. But to appease your boss, your parents or that annoying coworker who keeps sending “Just checking in!” emails, you’ve got to at least look busy. Set up your workspace with all the right props: open some spreadsheets, scatter a few notebooks and definitely keep a coffee mug within reach for that authentic “I’m so busy” aesthetic. Bonus points if you manage to write a single coherent email before noon.
2. Prioritize Your Tasks (Or Just Make a List and Call It a Day)
They say prioritizing is the key to productivity. We say make a to-do list, add a few tasks you’ve already done (like “wake up” and “drink coffee”), and bask in the satisfaction of checking them off. For the rest, just move them to tomorrow’s list. No one’s going to notice if “clean the entire inbox” keeps getting postponed until 2025. It’s not procrastination; it’s “strategic deferral.”
3. Reinvent Your Morning Routine: The Snooze Button Edition
Morning routines are all the rage, but after a long weekend, the only routine you need involves hitting the snooze button approximately 17 times. When you finally do drag yourself out of bed (because caffeine isn’t going to brew itself), skip the elaborate workouts and motivational podcasts. Instead, embrace the minimalist approach: brush your teeth (maybe), put on yesterday’s sweats and pretend you’re on a Zoom call from the waist up. Who says you can’t have a productive morning in 10 minutes or less?
4. Take Breaks, Lots of Breaks (For Mental Health, Of Course)
Experts suggest taking regular breaks to recharge, but why stop at “regular”? Make every five minutes your new break time. After all, the post-weekend recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. Open TikTok “just for a second,” scroll through Instagram to see how everyone else spent their weekend (spoiler: it’s exactly like yours but with better filters), and check out what’s new on Netflix. You’re just one episode—er, break—away from peak productivity.
5. Set Wildly Unrealistic Goals and Then Ignore Them
Goal-setting is crucial, so go big or go home! Write down ambitious tasks like “complete all outstanding projects by 10 a.m.,” “achieve inner peace” and “become a morning person.” Then, promptly ignore them because deep down, you know your only real goal today is to survive until lunch. By then, your motivation will have peaked and dipped, much like your blood sugar levels. Remember, the key to setting goals is to make sure they look impressive to others but are impossible to achieve. That way, you’ll have a solid excuse for when you inevitably don’t.
6. Limit Distractions (Just Kidding, Lean Into Them)
Distractions? What distractions? Your phone, TikTok, the siren call of your snack drawer — they’re not distractions; they’re life. Lean into them. If a friend texts you about a Labor Day sale that’s still going, it’s practically an obligation to check it out. Same goes for any meme account that promises to keep you laughing through the day. As for your actual work, it’s not like it’s going anywhere. Besides, why limit distractions when they’re the only thing keeping you from falling asleep at your desk?
7. Reflect on Your Day (Or Just Lie to Yourself About It)
End your day with some reflection, or don’t. If you do, keep it short and sweet: “Did I do my best today?” Absolutely not, but that’s okay! Acknowledge that you did what you could (which was basically nothing) and resolve to be a little better tomorrow. Or maybe just slightly less worse. Same difference. Remember, self-improvement is a journey, and sometimes the best you can do is shuffle a few inches forward, or backward, depending on your snack intake.
8. Accept That It’s Okay to Be Mediocre
At the end of the day, cut yourself some slack. You survived the Tuesday after Labor Day, and that’s an achievement in itself. The routine will come eventually. Or maybe it won’t. Either way, you’re doing great (or just okay, which is fine too). So throw on your comfiest pajamas, grab your favorite snacks and toast to the fact that you’ll have another chance to pretend to get your act together tomorrow.
In the meantime, if anyone asks how your post-Labor Day productivity is going, just say, “Oh, you know, crushing it,” and leave it at that. Because in the grand scheme of things, who’s really keeping track?
