You think you’re making decisions based on logic, ambition or faith. But what if the truth is far simpler—and far more unsettling? What if every major choice you’ve ever made, every fight you’ve ever had, every moment of doubt or frustration or joy could be traced back to one unconscious question that’s been steering your life from the shadows?
That’s exactly what Mike Foster’s research suggests. After years of coaching high performers and analyzing thousands of assessments, Foster uncovered what he calls the Seven Primal Questions—the deeply rooted needs that quietly dictate how we think, act and relate to others. And whether we recognize it or not, we’ve been chasing the answer to one of these questions our whole lives.
The Seven Questions That Shape Everything
Foster, an executive coach and author of The Seven Primal Questions, has spent over 7,000 hours in one-on-one coaching sessions and analyzed more than 100,000 assessment results. His framework distills human motivation into seven fundamental questions:
- Am I safe? (The need for emotional and physical protection)
- Am I secure? (The need for resources and stability)
- Am I loved? (The need to feel seen, known and valued)
- Am I wanted? (The need to belong and be pursued)
- Am I successful? (The need for achievement and recognition)
- Am I good enough? (The need for worth and validation)
- Do I have purpose? (The need for meaning and impact)
“We’re all asking one of these questions, whether we realize it or not,” Foster explains. “And when we get a ‘yes,’ life feels good. But when we get a ‘no’ or even a ‘maybe,’ that’s when we start scrambling.”
Why This One Question Holds So Much Power
The imprint of your primal question is formed early in life, usually in childhood. It’s the subconscious narrative playing in the background of every interaction, shaping how you interpret the world. And here’s the kicker—when your question is answered with a yes, life is good. But when the answer is no or maybe, you go into what Foster calls “the scramble.”
“The scramble is the set of unhealthy ways we’ve figured out to force the answer back to a yes,” he says. “It’s the coping mechanisms, the defense strategies, the self-sabotaging behaviors that emerge when our core need isn’t met.”
For example, if your primal question is Am I successful? and you perceive a no—whether that’s a job rejection, a failed project or an Instagram scroll of everyone else “winning”—you might throw yourself into overworking, obsessing over your next big achievement or numbing out to avoid feelings of failure. If your question is Am I loved? and someone’s distant behavior makes you feel unseen, you might withdraw, overcompensate or get irrationally angry.
The scramble is different for everyone but the root is always the same: we’re all just trying to get our deepest question answered with a yes.
Faith, Relationships and the Stories We Tell Ourselves
For Christians, Foster believes this framework has profound spiritual implications. “Oftentimes, our relationship with God is shaped by our primal question,” he explains. “For me, my question is Am I safe?, so my faith is deeply rooted in God’s protection. Scriptures about refuge, safety and God being my fortress resonate with me the most.”
Whatever your core need is, Foster argues that God wants to answer it with a thousand yeses. “If your question is Am I good enough?, God is constantly affirming your worth. If it’s Do I have purpose?, He’s reminding you that He’s called you to something significant. Recognizing this can reframe how you engage with God.”
The framework is also a game-changer for relationships. “You cannot be in a long-term relationship with someone who continually answers your primal question with a no,” Foster warns. “That’s where resentment, conflict and breakups stem from.”
Whether it’s marriage, friendship or work relationships, understanding each other’s primal question is one of the most powerful ways to build connection. If you know your partner’s question is Am I wanted?, then you’ll understand why they feel hurt when you cancel plans or fail to invite them into decisions. If your boss’s question is Am I successful?, you’ll recognize why they seem hyper-focused on achievements. The key is not just knowing your own question but also learning to answer others’ questions with a yes.
The Hidden Superpower in Your Biggest Fear
Here’s the twist: your primal question isn’t just a weakness—it’s also your greatest strength. “The thing you need most is the thing you most want to give away,” Foster says. “If your question is Am I loved?, you will be incredible at making others feel seen and valued. If it’s Am I safe?, you’ll instinctively create environments of security and protection.”
This is what Foster calls the primal gift. The very need that drives you also equips you to serve others. It’s why a firefighter might have Am I safe? as their core question, why a teacher might be driven by Am I good enough? or why a pastor might feel compelled by Do I have purpose? “When we learn to use our question as a gift instead of a scramble, we move from survival mode into our calling,” Foster says.
So, What’s Your Primal Question?
According to Foster, three questions tend to dominate today’s culture: Am I safe?, Am I loved? and Am I good enough?And in Christian communities, the most common are Am I good enough? and Do I have purpose?
Foster isn’t surprised by this. “A lot of Christians grow up feeling like they need to measure up, that they need to be good enough for God, their parents or the church. Others are told they have a great purpose but that pressure can create anxiety about whether they’re actually living it out.”
Maybe you already know your question. Maybe you’ve never thought about it until now. Either way, take a moment to consider it. What’s the need that’s been steering your decisions, influencing your relationships and shaping your faith? What’s the thing you’ve been trying to get a yes to your whole life?
Because once you see it, you can’t unsee it. And once you know the question, you can finally start changing the answer.
