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Girl Friends and Girlfriends

Girl Friends and Girlfriends

There is a shortage of something that is ever-so-important in this world. A lot of people have it, and others do not. I am a have-not, and I do not wish to be this way much longer. As I near my 23rd year on planet Earth, I hope to find it very soon.

But perhaps it’s rude to call a girlfriend an "it."

My single brothers are familiar with my predicament. It seems as though there are no intelligent, fun-loving and moral girls available. Anywhere. Now there are plenty of perfect girls in relationships, but none are unattached. How is this possible? Did all the lovely young ladies come out of the womb already clutching hands with boys?

In fact, I must address these ladies quickly concerning one issue. When in the company of a new male acquaintance, please mention your lack of availability as soon as possible. A gentleman friend cannot help but blow up to the size of a Goodyear Blimp, the possibilities of dating a lovely girl. Thus, a late mention of a boyfriend shoots a giant cannonball into that blimp, sending it sputtering across the sky.

Though spoken-for girls wouldn’t likely admit it, all of them probably have a list tucked away somewhere of all the boys that they would like to date. That way, as soon as a relationship ends, they can simply pull out the list and pick the next candidate. I’ve got to get on one of these lists. And I think I know how to do it.

Though I’ve never had much of a knack for getting girlfriends, I’m nearly an expert at getting girl friends. These are girls who would be perfect if they didn’t have some sort of flaw. Of course when I say "flaw," I don’t mean a speech impediment or a missing leg, but simply one small thing that a fellow can’t get his head around. A bad taste in music, personality tick or the wrong appearance can be an Everest of a hurdle. There may not be anything seemingly wrong with a young lady, but if there’s no spark, there’s just no spark. And as we discussed earlier, even this spark is no guarantee of romance, as it can be swiftly extinguished by the annoying mention of a boyfriend, thus producing yet another girl friend for the now-frustrated male acquaintance.

However, the girl friend can be of great help and should never be devalued. From her, one can learn how women think and feel. The mysteries unfold at every meeting with no price attached (except for maybe not being able to burp aloud). She will tell you things to give or to never give as gifts. She will guide you in what to say or not to say. For instance, the result of insulting a girl friend is laughter and correction, but it is only silent treatment from a girlfriend. For example, I recently learned to never say, "You’re going to wear that again?" to a woman.

On top of this education is the sheer delight of feminine company. This summer, I’ve spent many hours with cultured, charming ladies, and discovered that they are generally more fun than gents. Always very clever and quick to laugh, women also possess an amazing sensitivity to others people’s feelings. Now this may seem like obvious information to a lot of you, but it is news to me. You’re dealing with an individual whose childish loathing of girls just recently died off. Believe it or not, I regularly said, "Girls sure are weird!" in all sincerity until only a couple of months ago.

Besides the etiquette lessons and splendid company, the girl friend is also useful as the key to what I spoke of earlier: getting on a list. After precious time spent, a spoken-for lady might consider you more valuable than her current man, and a flawed lady might be able to introduce you to a perfect one you didn’t even know existed. Somehow, girls have better radar for the availability of their own gender than anyone else. So single brothers, do not fret over the scarcity of single, lovely ladies. There is a means to getting a girlfriend, and it is the girl friend. So go forth and have platonic fun!

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