We tend to think of boundaries as lines drawn to keep other people in check. Emotional fences, meant to correct or protect us from someone else’s behavior. But that definition may miss the point entirely.
Licensed counselor and author Debra Fileta has spent years watching people—especially Christians—confuse boundaries with ultimatums. It’s costing us our emotional health. The truth, she says, is both more empowering and more uncomfortable: boundaries aren’t about managing other people. They’re about managing ourselves.
“That’s not a boundary,” she says. “That’s control.”
Fileta, who’s spent more than a decade counseling individuals and couples on emotional and relational health, wants to flip the script. In a culture that prizes self-expression but often blurs the line between communication and control, she believes it’s time to rethink emotional well-being. It isn’t something we expect from others. It’s something we take responsibility for ourselves.
“You can’t force people into what you want them to do or not do,” she says. “The boundary isn’t what you tell someone to do. It’s what you’re going to do in response.”
That idea alone reframes what most of us have learned. For many people, boundary-setting feels like laying down the law. But Fileta says the goal isn’t to change someone else’s behavior. It’s to decide how you’re going to act when they don’t.
When your friend texts at 4 a.m. again, the boundary isn’t telling them to stop. It’s putting your phone on silent, turning off notifications, and choosing not to respond. You’re not policing their choices—you’re honoring your own.
“The only thing you can control is yourself,” Fileta says.
That doesn’t mean we keep our needs to ourselves or avoid difficult conversations. In healthy relationships, honesty still matters. Fileta frequently talks to her husband about how she’s feeling and what she needs. But there’s a difference between requesting support and demanding change.
“The focus isn’t on changing him,” she explains. “It’s on me. Here’s how I’m feeling. Here’s what’s going on inside of me.”
That shift—from criticizing someone else’s actions to sharing how those actions make you feel—can completely reshape a conversation. Instead of saying, You’re not meeting my needs, you might say, I’ve been feeling disconnected and could use some time together. One feels like a judgment. The other feels like an invitation.
Therapists often call this switching from “you” statements to “I” statements. Fileta says it’s not about softening your message. It’s about keeping the conversation grounded in your experience rather than someone else’s behavior.
Of course, even when we set boundaries in healthy, honest ways, they can still backfire—or at least feel like they do. Maybe someone reacts with anger. Maybe they stop calling altogether. That’s when the doubt starts to creep in. Was I too harsh? Was that selfish?
According to Fileta, that confusion is part of the process.
“We gauge the effectiveness of a boundary by the person’s response,” she says. “But if the relationship is unhealthy, their reaction probably isn’t going to be healthy either.”
In fact, she says pushback is often a sign you’re on the right track.
“If you’re setting boundaries for the first time, you should expect resistance.”
That discomfort—however frustrating—is normal. And for people of faith who are often taught to avoid conflict, it can feel especially unfamiliar. But saying no isn’t selfish. It’s often the most honest, loving thing you can do for yourself and the relationship.
There’s another layer here, too. Many Christians are taught to be suspicious of their emotions. There’s a belief that feelings are the opposite of faith. Fileta says that approach can leave people numb and directionless.
“There’s this idea that ‘feelings aren’t faith,’ so people just learn to ignore their emotions altogether,” she says. “But feelings aren’t always accurate—they’re revealing. They’re a signal.”
Feelings like frustration, resentment or anxiety don’t show up by accident. According to Fileta, they often point to the places in your life where boundaries have been ignored or avoided.
“I often tell people, when you’re feeling frustrated, it’s probably because you didn’t set a boundary when you needed to,” she says. “You let something go too long, and now your body’s trying to get your attention.”
Think of those feelings as warning lights. You wouldn’t ignore the check engine light in your car. So why ignore the tight chest, the clenched jaw, the pit in your stomach? Those physical reactions aren’t just stress—they’re signals. And God, Fileta says, designed your body to send them.
“Our emotions are clues,” she says. “They’re pointing us to something deeper. Maybe it’s a boundary that needs to be set. Maybe it’s healing that needs to happen.”
That doesn’t mean you cut everyone off or build emotional walls. Boundaries, when done right, don’t isolate—they clarify. They help you decide what gets your energy and what no longer deserves a seat at the table.
Fileta says even Jesus practiced this. He withdrew from crowds. He said no. He disappointed people’s expectations. And He did it without shame.
“Jesus had boundaries,” she says. “He didn’t meet every need or chase every person. He lived with intention.”
So if someone doesn’t like the boundary you’ve set, that doesn’t make it wrong. In fact, their reaction might say more about the state of the relationship than the health of your decision.
Ultimately, boundaries are less about managing relationships and more about becoming the kind of person who knows what peace feels like—and won’t settle for anything less. They aren’t declarations of war or signs of weakness. They’re markers of maturity, evidence that you’re finally paying attention to what drains you, what sustains you and what deserves your protection.
“Jesus had boundaries,” Fileta says again. “And He didn’t apologize for them.”
Neither should you.
