When Dr. Morgan Cutlip became a mom, she thought she was ready.
She had read the books. She was a relationship psychologist, after all. She figured she’d slide into motherhood like a natural.
Instead, she found herself blindsided.
“Motherhood crushed me,” she says. “I was immediately overwhelmed, anxious. I could not believe how dramatically my life changed overnight.”
What surprised her even more than the loss of freedom, though, was the quiet, creeping shift in her marriage.
“I love my husband. We have a great relationship,” Cutlip says. “But I couldn’t believe how quickly resentment took root.”
If you’ve ever found yourself side-eyeing your partner while wiping spit-up off your shirt for the third time that morning—or wondering why you’re the only one who seems to remember the pediatrician’s name, much less schedule the appointment—you already know what she’s talking about. It’s not just about who does the dishes. It’s about the mental load: the invisible, unrelenting burden of remembering, planning and managing everything that keeps a household and a relationship running.
In A Better Share: How Couples Can Tackle the Mental Load for More Fun, Less Resentment and Great Sex, Cutlip offers not just catharsis but practical tools for couples who find themselves drifting apart after having kids. And while the book is focused on marriage and parenthood, its message hits home for anyone trying to build a balanced, sustainable relationship in a culture that demands everything from us all the time.
Cutlip points out that this drop in relationship satisfaction after kids isn’t new.
“They’ve been studying this since the 1950s,” she says. “And over and over, the research finds the same thing.”
The reasons vary—more pressure to provide for men, more responsibilities and loss of freedom for women—but the outcome is consistent. And yet, somehow, most couples are still caught off guard by how much the dynamic shifts.
“I just copied the model I saw growing up,” Cutlip says. “My mom did it all. I didn’t realize how much I had internalized that until it broke me.”
That dissonance—between expectations and reality, between roles we unconsciously adopt and the ones that actually fit—is where resentment festers.
“It’s not necessarily that our partners are malicious,” she says. “It’s that we’ve inherited scripts that no longer make sense. And we don’t realize it until we’re underwater.”
She’s also clear: 50/50 might sound fair, but it’s not always realistic.
“The better metric is whether it feels fair. Not just on paper—but in your actual, lived experience,” she says.
That might mean rebalancing week to week, depending on work schedules, illnesses, travel or, you know, life. It requires flexibility and, above all, communication. The goal isn’t perfect symmetry. It’s shared understanding.
One of the most surprisingly effective tools she recommends is a recurring relationship meeting. Not sexy, maybe—but wildly helpful. Think of it like a check-in: What’s working? What’s feeling heavy? Where do we need to shift responsibilities?
“You wouldn’t go months without a meeting at work,” she says. “Why do we think our relationships will thrive without one?”
And yes, it might be awkward at first. Especially if you’ve never had these kinds of conversations before.
“We hear ‘can we talk?’ and immediately assume something’s wrong,” she says. “But the more you practice it, the more normal it becomes. That’s how you stop waiting for everything to fall apart before you finally address it.”
Even if you’re not married—or not even dating—Cutlip’s advice still applies.
“A lot of people set patterns early in relationships without realizing it,” she says. “You do something out of love—plan the dates, remember the birthdays—and pretty soon, it becomes your permanent job.”
The result? One person’s effort becomes the expectation.
“We’re not saying don’t be generous,” she says. “We’re just saying, notice the patterns you’re setting.”
It’s not easy work, she admits. It involves some unglamorous conversations, the kind where tension bubbles up and awkwardness lingers. But Cutlip’s marriage is stronger for it—and so, she believes, are many others who have put her advice into practice.
“I’m not holding it all in anymore,” she says. “And when I’m not resentful, I show up differently—for my husband, for my kids, for myself. That changes everything.”
So if your relationship feels off, like the vibe has quietly shifted from playful to transactional, don’t panic. You’re not broken. You’re probably just overloaded.
And the fix isn’t a grand gesture. It’s not an Instagrammable vacation or a breakthrough date night.
It’s a conversation. Maybe a slightly awkward one. Maybe a recurring one.
But the act of showing up, listening, adjusting and trying again—that might be the most meaningful way to love someone in real life.
