Boundaries. Just saying the word can make some people cringe. After all, it feels a little… rude, right? Like you’re drawing a line in the sand and daring someone to cross it. But here’s the thing—boundaries aren’t about keeping people out. They’re about keeping yourself sane.
You can’t be everything to everyone all the time, and trying to do so will just leave you drained, frustrated, and secretly resenting the people you claim to love. So how do you set boundaries without feeling like you just slammed the door in someone’s face? Relationship expert and counselor Debra Fileta has some thoughts.
Boundaries Aren’t About Controlling Others—They’re About Controlling Yourself
The biggest misconception about boundaries is that they’re rules for other people. Fileta says that’s not how this works.
“Sometimes people think that boundaries are about telling others what to stop doing—‘Don’t call me at 4 a.m.!’—but that’s not a boundary. That’s an attempt at control,” she explains. “A boundary is actually about what you’re going to do in response.”
So instead of making demands, you set the tone for how you’ll engage. You put your phone on Do Not Disturb. You don’t answer that middle-of-the-night call. You decide what behavior you will and won’t participate in. That’s where your real power is.
Use “I” Statements, Not “You” Statements
When setting boundaries, tone matters. Nobody likes feeling accused, which is why Fileta recommends focusing on how something impacts you rather than blaming the other person.
For example, instead of saying, “You always dump your problems on me, and it’s exhausting,” try, “I feel overwhelmed when I take on too many emotional burdens, and I need to be more mindful of my mental health.”
The first statement invites defensiveness. The second invites understanding. See the difference?
Guilt is Inevitable—That Doesn’t Mean You’re Wrong
Here’s the part where a lot of people get stuck: guilt. You finally draw a line, and the other person reacts with disappointment, frustration, or full-blown outrage. Suddenly, you feel like a villain. But Fileta says this is normal—and not a reason to backtrack.
“If someone has been benefiting from your lack of boundaries, they’re not going to be thrilled when you start enforcing them,” she says. “But you can’t measure the success of a boundary by how someone else reacts. If they push back, that doesn’t mean the boundary is wrong—it means it’s necessary.”
Read that again. If someone gets upset when you start prioritizing your well-being, that says more about them than it does about you.
Pay Attention to Your Emotions—They’re Trying to Tell You Something
Not sure where you need to set boundaries? Start with your emotions.
“Frustration, resentment, anxiety—these are all signals that something isn’t working,” Fileta explains. “Christians especially like to dismiss emotions as unspiritual, but feelings aren’t bad. They’re information.”
If you constantly feel drained after hanging out with a certain friend, that’s a clue. If your boss expects you to answer emails at all hours and it’s stressing you out, that’s another clue. Your emotions are data points, and if you listen to them, they’ll tell you where change is needed.
Boundaries Apply Everywhere—Not Just in Toxic Relationships
You don’t have to be dealing with a manipulative ex or a nightmare coworker to need boundaries. Even in the healthiest relationships, they’re essential.
Fileta points out that in her own marriage, boundaries aren’t about shutting each other out but about maintaining open communication.
“I’m constantly telling my husband what I need, but it’s always framed around my feelings and not demands,” she says. “Instead of saying, ‘You need to do this,’ I say, ‘Here’s how I feel when this happens, and here’s what I need.’”
Healthy boundaries actually make relationships stronger because they’re built on mutual understanding instead of silent resentment.
Boundaries Aren’t Walls—They’re Guardrails
If the idea of setting boundaries makes you feel like you’re shutting people out, try reframing it. Boundaries aren’t about isolation. They’re about protection.
Think of them like guardrails on a highway. Their job isn’t to stop you from moving forward—it’s to keep you from veering off a cliff. Good boundaries keep your relationships, your mental health, and your faith on solid ground.
So go ahead—set the boundary. Turn your phone off. Say no without a ten-minute explanation. Give yourself permission to protect your peace. You’re not a jerk for doing so—you’re just someone who values their emotional well-being. And that’s something worth standing firm on.
