Engaged couples get asked the same questions constantly: When’s the wedding? Where will it be? How’s planning going? Then comes the one that gets framed like common sense: Why not just move in together first and see if it works? In a culture where cohabitation feels normal, affordable and almost expected, that question can sound practical.
But minister and relationship expert Stu Escalona says Christians should see it differently.
“The biggest danger for an unmarried couple moving in together is the reality of ongoing temptation,” Escalona explained.
That’s the part people tend to downplay. They treat cohabitation like a neutral housing decision when, for most couples, it’s anything but neutral. Sharing a home with someone you’re romantically involved with creates a level of emotional and physical closeness that makes compromise a lot more likely, not less.
“Living together places you in a vulnerable and compromising situation, drastically increasing the chances of sexual sin,” Escalona said.
Having the same address isn’t the issue here. Escalona’s point is that living together creates the kind of setup where sexual boundaries usually get weaker, not stronger. As privacy increases and accountability fades, temptation starts to feel built into everyday life.
“The problem is not necessarily the ‘living together’ part of the relationship,” Escalona said. “The problem is sexual immorality, which is most likely to happen when you share a living space with your significant other.”
Escalona doubles down on that, reminding us that Scripture doesn’t treat sex like the rest of our culture does, as a casual part of “figuring things out.” It treats it as something sacred, tied to covenant.
“Sex is a sacred bond where a woman and a man become one flesh and one entity in God’s eyes,” Escalona said. “It’s intimate, it’s special and it’s exclusive to the person you decide to commit your life to — not your boyfriend, girlfriend or even fiancé.”
That last distinction is important because it’s exactly where a lot of Christian couples try to make an exception. They aren’t not an unserious couple trying to figure out if they even like each other. They are engaged — with a ring on the finger and a date on the calendar.
Escalona’s response to that couldn’t be clearer: “Being engaged is not the same as being married.”
It’s a simple point, but an important one. Engagement is a promise. Marriage is a covenant. Those are not the same thing, no matter how serious the relationship feels. Escalona says that some couples treat engagement like a spiritual technicality, but the commitment of marriage has not actually been made yet.
“Many justify sex because the ring is on the finger, but I’ve seen engaged couples call off their weddings,” he said.
A lot of couples also defend moving in together as a way to test compatibility. Better to find out now than later. But Escalona pushes back on that, too.
“Living together is not the best way to figure out compatibility,” he said. “If anything, it has the potential to make the relationship toxic and displeasing to God.”
Compatibility is about more than whether two people can split rent, manage chores or survive a Target run without getting annoyed. Marriage asks bigger questions than that: Can you communicate clearly? Can you resolve conflict with maturity? Do you share convictions? Are you moving in the same spiritual direction? Do you actually know how to build trust?
A lease won’t answer those questions.
Escalona argues that a healthier relationship starts with spiritual foundation and boundaries, not premature closeness dressed up as wisdom.
“A healthy relationship is built on a spiritual foundation, where healthy boundaries are created to uphold God’s standard of purity,” he wrote.
That kind of relationship may look less convenient, but it forces couples to build something more substantial. Instead of acting married before marriage, they have to learn how to communicate, how to be patient and how to honor each other without skipping straight to intimacy.
“Having God at the center of your relationship creates a safe environment where you can explore each other’s interests, passions, hobbies, and faith,” he said. “Although there is an aspect of romance involved, it’s all about building a great friendship with your partner.”
That doesn’t mean romance is bad or that attraction is the problem. It means Christians are supposed to care about the shape of a relationship, not just the strength of the feelings inside it. A relationship can feel serious and still be forming habits that don’t honor God.
Escalona also raises a harder question than simple practicality: not just Can we do this? but Should we? And if the answer is based only on finances, convenience or what seems normal now, Christians may already be asking the wrong thing.
He suggests couples ask themselves some uncomfortable questions: “Is it wise (according to God’s standards) for my partner and I to live together? Is it beneficial for our relationship? For our purity? Are we glorifying God by living together? Are we being examples to others by living together?”
Those questions cut through a lot of the usual justifications. Plenty of things can seem efficient and still be spiritually unwise.
That’s really Escalona’s thesis. Christians should not let culture set the pattern for how relationships work. They should let conviction do that. Just because something feels normal, affordable or expected does not mean it is forming a relationship in a healthy or God-honoring way.
“Above all, how your relationship brings glory to God is the most important factor to consider,” he wrote.
That’s the real dividing line here. Not whether moving in together seems practical. Not whether everyone else is doing it. Not whether it feels harmless. The real question is whether it helps build the kind of relationship Christians say they want: one marked by holiness, trust and obedience.
For Escalona, the answer is clear. It doesn’t.
