For a lot of young adults, dating isn’t just complicated—it’s exhausting. Even when you’re doing your best to approach it with intention and faith, it can still feel like you’re constantly trying to read between the lines, second-guessing red flags or wondering if you’re being too cautious—or not cautious enough.
Stephen Chandler has had countless conversations with people in that exact place. As a pastor to a largely millennial and Gen Z church community, he’s spent years helping people navigate the blurry, in-between space of modern relationships. And when it comes to spotting warning signs, his advice is clear: don’t confuse chemistry with clarity.
“We’ve got to stop walking into relationships assuming we can change someone,” Chandler told RELEVANT. “When you marry them, you’ve got to be fully accepted of who they are on that wedding day. If they develop, if they grow, great. If not, you signed up for who they were on the wedding day.”
So what are the signs someone’s not ready for a healthy relationship? First, Chandler says to look beyond surface spirituality. Going to church or checking “Christian” on a dating profile isn’t enough.
“Is there evidence in their life that they allow the Holy Spirit to convict them, to challenge them?” he said. “Is their worldview based on culture or on the truth of God’s word?”
He also urges people to take emotional health seriously. Red flags aren’t always explosive behavior—sometimes they’re total emotional shutdown.
“If somebody has major events in their lives—birthdays, promotions, graduations—and they don’t celebrate, they act like it’s just a normal Tuesday … they don’t know how to sit in a moment and celebrate what God has done. That is a major red flag,” he said.
But not everything concerning should send you running. That’s where yellow flags come in—things that require attention and discernment but not necessarily an exit strategy.
“Sometimes we cancel somebody out for something that requires more investigation but should not be an automatic deal breaker,” Chandler said.
He cautions against disqualifying people over things like student debt, past relationships or financial status.
“You are actually canceling out some phenomenal people that have the favor of God on their life because of maybe a mistake that was five years ago,” he said.
Chandler speaks from experience. When he and his wife got married, she was financially stable and made more money. He was a young pastor with student loans.
“If she had just written me off because my income wasn’t higher than hers and I had debt, we wouldn’t have this beautiful church and this beautiful family and all that God has done through our lives,” he said.
What does cross the line? Things that put your well-being or integrity at risk. Chandler is clear that core character issues—like addiction, dishonesty or resistance to healing—shouldn’t be overlooked in the name of compassion.
“There are character issues that, yeah, it’s not my responsibility to walk you to deliverance,” he said. “Don’t be the pastor of the person you’re dating. None of this missionary dating.”
The key, he said, is growth.
“What you’re really looking for is, what’s their past track record? Are they further along today than they were two years ago?” Chandler said. “You’re not looking for a perfect person, but you are looking for a growing person.”
If the person hasn’t changed at all—and especially if they resist help or refuse to confront deep issues—Chandler’s advice is clear: “With the love of God—run for your life.”
He also encourages daters not to go it alone. Invite older, spiritually grounded people into the process.
“You need a community of trusted people around you,” he said. “Not people your age. People that are decades ahead of you and have been married for years.”
While he doesn’t dismiss dating apps, Chandler cautions against putting too much hope—or too much blame—on them. Many weren’t built for long-term relationships, and it’s easy to get discouraged after a few failed conversations.
“There’s 12 liars at your church. There’s 17 at your gym. That’s just how life works,” he said.
If nothing else, stay open. He offered a tongue-in-cheek benchmark: “If you have not been on a date in the last 12 months, you are being too picky.”
And for anyone who feels like they’re never going to find the right person, Chandler has one final encouragement.
“You don’t need marriage to be happy. You don’t need marriage to be fulfilled. Whether you get married or not, God’s future for you is amazing, it’s great and it’s filling,” he said.
