By the time you say “I do,” you’ve probably heard all the usual advice: keep God at the center, communicate well, never go to bed angry, etc. And while those are fine (if not a little vague), they barely scratch the surface of what marriage is actually like.
Most churches give you the study guide. But the test? That’s marriage itself—and let’s just say some of the questions aren’t on the syllabus.
Here are a few truths about marriage that rarely get said out loud. Consider this your review day.
1. Sex is a gift from God. But it might come with baggage.
Yes, Christians love to say sex is holy. But when it comes to actually talking about it like adults? Cue the awkward silences. Many of us grew up hearing sex was either dangerous, shameful or strictly reserved for your wedding night, which, for many, turned into a very confusing foundation for actual intimacy.
Dr. Juli Slattery, a clinical psychologist and co-founder of Authentic Intimacy, emphasizes that the Church often fails to address the beauty of sex within marriage, leading to confusion and shame among couples.
Sex doesn’t magically become easy or fulfilling just because it’s suddenly allowed. If your relationship with sex has been shaped more by fear than freedom, you might have some healing to do. And that’s okay. Marriage isn’t the finish line of sexual wholeness—it’s the starting point.
2. There is no such thing as “the one.”
The idea of a soulmate sounds romantic until you realize it’s making everyone way too picky. Love isn’t a scavenger hunt for the perfect person—it’s a daily decision to commit, even when the spark flickers.
Jonathan Pokluda, author of Outdated: Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed, writes, “If you’re looking for a ‘soul mate,’ what you’re really looking for is Jesus. He actually is perfect, and is the only one who can truly satisfy your soul.”
Newsflash: no one eats silently, agrees with you on everything or looks flawless in the morning. That’s not how this works. Real love is about choosing someone, flaws and all, and letting God work through your mutual imperfection.
3. The first year of marriage is tough. You’re not broken.
Instagram makes it look like newlyweds are living on a cloud of matching pajamas and breakfast-in-bed. The reality? You’re adjusting to shared space, habits, finances, communication styles and one very full laundry basket.
Debra Fileta, a licensed professional counselor and author of Choosing Marriage, notes that “marriage exposes our wounds and our weaknesses.”
Marriage reveals things about yourself you didn’t know. Like how passive-aggressive you get about dishes. Or how weirdly opinionated you are about thermostat settings. It’s not glamorous, but it’s good. Stick with it.
4. Your spouse won’t complete you. (Sorry, Jerry Maguire.)
Repeat after us: you complete me is not biblical.
Tim Keller, in The Meaning of Marriage, writes, “If we look to our spouses to fill up our tanks in a way that only God can do, we are demanding an impossibility.”
If you walk into marriage feeling empty, don’t expect a partner to fill the hole. That’s not love—that’s codependence. A healthy marriage is two whole people choosing to walk together, not two halves trying to become one functional adult.
5. Shared faith isn’t always enough. Align your passions too.
Yes, marrying someone who shares your faith is foundational. But shared theology doesn’t guarantee shared dreams—and misaligned callings can cause real friction.
Keller also emphasizes the importance of a shared vision in marriage: “A common vision can unite people of very different temperaments.”
You don’t have to clone each other’s goals, but it helps if you’re headed in the same direction. Don’t just ask if someone loves Jesus—ask if they’d ever want to plant a church, adopt, live overseas or start a business. Big-picture compatibility matters.
6. Not everyone is called to marriage. And that’s not a failure.
Despite what your aunt keeps asking at Thanksgiving, singleness is not a disease. And marriage is not the prize at the end of the Christian race.
Lisa Bevere, author and speaker, reminds us, “Singleness is not a season of waiting. It’s a season of doing.”
You’re not behind if you’re single. You’re not incomplete. And God’s plan for your life doesn’t start on your wedding day—it’s already in motion.
7. Marriage is not about you.
Weddings put you at the center of the universe for one day. Marriage teaches you to move out of the center for the rest of your life.
Keller writes, “Whether we are husband or wife, we are not to live for ourselves but for the other. And that is the hardest yet single most important function of being a husband or a wife in marriage.”
A lot of couples confuse a wedding celebration with the reality of covenant. One is about you. The other is about service, sacrifice and staying when things get inconvenient.
So, yes—celebrate the wedding. But prepare for the marriage. Because the spotlight fades fast, and what’s left is where the real beauty begins.
