We grew up FaceTiming our best friends, watching strangers fall in love on Netflix, and learning about heartbreak from TikTok confessionals. We know the language of relationships better than any generation before us—until it’s time to actually have one.
We say we want connection, but flinch when it gets too real. We chase intimacy, then ghost it. We crave love, but trust no one to give it. And according to psychologists, there’s a name for this dynamic—and it’s showing up everywhere.
“There’s an attachment style emerging as one of the most common among young adults,” says Dr. Sarah Hensley, a psychologist who specializes in relational science. “It’s called fearful avoidant—and it’s becoming a dominant pattern in Gen Z.”
It’s emotional whiplash: desperate for closeness one moment, terrified of it the next. From the outside, it looks like indecision. From the inside, it feels like chaos.
Unlike the more familiar secure, anxious or dismissive avoidant attachment styles, fearful avoidant is a disorganized blend of both extremes.
“They can look like the most loving person in the world one day, and then disappear into silence the next,” Hensley says. “They’re anxious and avoidant—just not at the same time.”
That contradiction comes from how the style forms. Fearful avoidant attachment is often rooted in early trauma—not necessarily capital-T trauma, but the subtle, persistent kind. Constant conflict between parents. Emotionally unavailable caregivers. Homes where feelings were unpredictable, ignored or punished.
“The most common imprint is the belief that intimacy is dangerous,” Hensley says. “It’s a deep subconscious fear of betrayal. Not abandonment—betrayal. And that distinction really matters.”
The result is a nervous system that never fully relaxes in relationships. People with this style are hypervigilant, always scanning for cues that they’re about to be hurt.
“They’ll attach quickly, then suddenly hit the brakes,” Hensley says. “They want to trust, but the moment they perceive any emotional distance—or even the potential for rejection—they deactivate. It’s a survival instinct.”
And it’s increasingly common. Hensley believes we’re watching a generational shift in attachment, shaped by technology, parenting trends and the simple reality that many of us were raised in relational instability.
“We’re seeing the ripple effects of being raised by emotionally dysregulated parents,” she says. “Many Gen Zers were raised by Gen Xers or elder millennials who were latchkey kids themselves, pushed toward hyper-independence before they were emotionally ready. That lack of attunement gets passed down.”
Then there’s the role of screens.
“The more time kids spend on devices, the less time they spend in face-to-face relationships with caregivers,” Hensley says. “That robs them of the chance to develop a secure nervous system in connection with another person.”
In other words, binge-watching romantic drama doesn’t teach you how to emotionally regulate during a real-life argument.
If any of this is hitting a little too close to home, here’s the good news: attachment styles aren’t permanent.
“They’re not diagnoses,” Hensley says. “They’re patterns. And patterns can change.”
Not through another Instagram quiz. Not through vague self-awareness. But through the slow, sometimes uncomfortable work of nervous system regulation and relational healing.
Hensley explains that the purpose of finding out your attachment style is not to give an excuse for bad habits in a relationship. It’s to help identify areas that need assistance and offer a starting point to begin your healing journey.
“The goal is to become securely attached,” Hensley says. “Secure individuals have a wide window of tolerance. They can stay calm when things get hard. They don’t spiral when someone needs space or brings up a problem. And they don’t shut down when they feel emotionally exposed.”
For those with fearful avoidant tendencies, that can sound like a fantasy. But Hensley insists it’s possible—with the right tools and, in her practice, a faith foundation.
“Those who develop a strong, felt sense of God’s love tend to heal faster,” she says. “Because they stop outsourcing their worth to other people. If your value is rooted in someone who can never betray or abandon you, human rejection doesn’t hit the same.”
It also helps explain why understanding your own patterns isn’t enough.
“Insight is step one,” Hensley says. “Transformation comes when you actually practice something different—when you stay, when you breathe through the fear, when you tell the truth instead of disappearing. That’s where the healing happens.”
So what now?
If you’re dating someone who swings between intensity and distance, don’t assume they’re playing games. If you’re the one doing the swinging, don’t assume you’re broken. You’re not. But you probably have some work to do.
“The goal isn’t to be perfect,” Hensley says. “It’s to be present. It’s to learn how to sit with connection without running from it.”
