It’s been about four years since my last serious relationship, and I won’t lie—there have been moments when it feels like everyone around me is moving forward, while I’m stuck in the same place. Every time a friend or family member starts dating, a familiar wave of bitterness creeps in. I can feel the tears welling up on the inside, and I quickly spiral into frustration and anger—at myself, at God, at the whole situation. Why can’t I find someone, too? What’s wrong with me?
Don’t get me wrong — I’m happy with most of my life. I’ve got great friends and family around me, a job I actually enjoy, and a church that I love to be part of. But lately every time someone posts an engagement or hard launces a relationship on Instagram, it’s harder to press the like button. I don’t want to be bitter, but some days it’s harder to fight off those negative thoughts than others.
And if you’re single and feeling a little bitter, I know you get where I’m coming from. (If you’re not single or bitter, give me some grace here!) But I recently had one of those “come to Jesus” moments that opened my eyes to some deeper truths I needed to face.
It wasn’t just one day that broke me; it was a slow buildup of seeing yet another friend post their relationship status online. I sat down, clenched my fists, and prayed, “Why, God? Why can’t I find a boyfriend? Why can’t I have what everyone else my age seems to have?” It felt like a punch in the gut—like I was somehow failing at life.
I eventually opened up to a trusted friend about how I was feeling, and she met me with not only love and encouragement, but also three hard truths I needed to hear.
1. I was wanting a relationship for all the wrong reasons.
I used to think life was like this big checklist: do well in school? Check. Land a good job? Check. Get a boyfriend? Not checked. I wanted to prove to everyone that I’d “made it” as an adult, and having a relationship felt like the final box I needed to tick. I wanted to show the world, “Hey, I’m worthy! Look at me and my boyfriend!”
But relationships aren’t about self-validation. In the Bible, marriage is about sacrificial love—putting someone else’s needs ahead of your own (Ephesians 5:21-33). And even though dating isn’t marriage, my focus was completely selfish. I wasn’t interested in encouraging or supporting someone else; I wanted a boyfriend to feel better about myself. Through prayer and time with God, I’ve realized that my worth comes from Him alone, not from whether someone else deems me worthy enough to date.
2. I’m not alone, and I’m never meant to be.
After some time spent in my single era, I slowly began to believe the idea that I was meant to for forever alone. Love just wasn’t in God’s plan for me. I was fully convinced of it.
But my friend reminded me that even in that moment, I wasn’t alone and loneliness has never been part of God’s plan. He’s given me a family—His people, the Church. Being part of a community where I can love and serve others helps fill that space where loneliness sometimes creeps in. When I invest in those relationships, I don’t feel the weight of my singleness as much. I’ve found that God’s love shines through the friendships and community He’s placed around me.
Even though I haven’t found “the one” (is there even such a thing?) I have people surrounding me to show me the love of God in more ways than I can imagine.
3. God’s plans are good—even if they don’t include a spouse.
One of the oldest tricks in the devil’s book is doubting God’s goodness. It goes all the way back to Eve in the Garden, right? She fell for the lie that God was holding out on her, and I’ve done the same thing. I found myself questioning if God was really good—if His plans for me were as great as He promised (Romans 8:28).
But here’s the thing: just because I don’t see what’s ahead doesn’t mean God isn’t working. I’ve learned to rest in the fact that His plans for me are good, whether they include a spouse or not. It’s hard to trust when no one’s on the horizon, but I know God’s got me.
I still let God in on my hopes and dreams for a spouse, but I also practice surrender — surrendering my desire for a spouse, a family, the cute little suburban home. It’s safe with Him, because He’s never failed me. I might not know what the future holds for me, but at least I know that.
That being said, I still struggle. Not daily, but a few times a month. It is easier to like my friends’ relationship announcements on social media, so I think that’s a sign of progress.
And there are days when the bitterness tries to come back, but I’m learning to trust God’s plans—whether or not they include a boyfriend. It’s a daily choice, but knowing God has something good in store for me gives me peace, no matter what.
