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Your Attachment Style Could Be the Reason You’re Stuck in the Same Relationship Patterns

Your Attachment Style Could Be the Reason You’re Stuck in the Same Relationship Patterns

If you’ve ever spent a sleepless night replaying a confusing text from someone you like or questioned why you self-sabotage every good thing that comes your way, buckle up. Your attachment style—that mysterious psychological framework you might have heard about on Instagram—might have more influence on your love life (and maybe even your faith) than you realize.

To get to the bottom of this, we spoke with Dr. Sarah Hensley, a psychologist who specializes in attachment theory and its ripple effects on our relationships and beliefs.

Let’s start with the basics. Attachment theory, as Dr. Hensley explains, is a cornerstone of relationship science that’s been rigorously studied for over 50 years.

“What impressed me the most about attachment theory is that it’s been tested across cultures, genders and relationship types, and the core ideas have held up,” she says.

In short, it’s science you can trust. And that science says your caregivers’ behaviors—and how you observed them interact with each other—left a mark on you, shaping how you approach adult relationships.

Meet the Four Attachment Styles

Dr. Hensley breaks it down: “Attachment is on a spectrum, and we all slide around depending on our life experiences and interventions. That’s the good news—it’s changeable.”

But to know where you’re headed, you’ve got to know where you stand. Hensley gives a detailed overview on the RELEVANT Podcast, but here’s the crash course:

  1. Secure Attachment: These folks hit the jackpot in the parenting lottery. Raised by emotionally attuned caregivers, they excel at setting boundaries, resolving conflict respectfully and navigating vulnerability without being overwhelmed. Essentially, they’re the relationship role models we all aspire to be.
  2. Anxious Preoccupied Attachment: Think of these individuals as emotional overachievers. “This style often comes from inconsistent parenting,” Hensley explains. “Sometimes their needs were met, and other times they weren’t, which creates an addictive dynamic of seeking validation.” The result? Overfocus on a partner’s needs, dropping personal boundaries and a constant fear of abandonment.
  3. Dismissive Avoidant Attachment: This group is the polar opposite of anxious types. They often describe their childhoods as “normal,” but dig deeper, and you’ll find emotional suppression at play. These individuals learned early that vulnerability wasn’t safe, so they became masters of detachment. “When relationships get high stakes, they deactivate—pulling away and deprioritizing their partner,” Hensley says.
  4. Fearful Avoidant Attachment: Dubbed the wild card of attachment styles, this group has a mix of anxious and avoidant tendencies. “Fearful avoidants often have unrecognized childhood traumas,” Hensley notes. “They crave connection but deeply fear betrayal.” This makes their behavior unpredictable, as they bounce between seeking closeness and shutting people out.

Why Are Fearful Avoidants on the Rise?

Dr. Hensley shares an unsettling trend: the fearful-avoidant style is growing.

“There’s speculation that social media plays a role. Kids are exposed to more mature information earlier and spend less time connecting with their caregivers in real life,” she says.

Combine that with generational shifts—Gen X and elder millennials often experienced latchkey childhoods—and you have a recipe for nervous system dysregulation.

Attachment Styles and Your Faith

It’s not just your romantic relationships that feel the impact of your attachment style; your relationship with God does too.

“Our parents are meant to be a representation of God’s love on earth,” Hensley explains. “When that relationship is broken or inconsistent, it can affect how we view God as a loving Father.”

For those with a secure attachment, approaching God’s unconditional love feels natural. But for the rest of us, our wounds can manifest as spiritual distance, fear of rejection, or even anger toward God.

“The good news is that God’s love can re-parent us,” she adds. “It’s the ultimate healing source.”

Can You Change Your Attachment Style?

“Absolutely,” Dr. Hensley says. “Attachment isn’t a life sentence. With the right tools, you can rewire your nervous system toward security.”

The hallmark of secure attachment? A well-regulated nervous system. That means being able to pause during conflict, approach your partner (or God) with curiosity instead of defensiveness and respond with compassion.

So, how do you get there? Hensley emphasizes that self-awareness is only step one.

“Understanding your attachment style isn’t enough. You need actionable tools to shift your behavior,” she explains.

This might look like practicing mindfulness, setting healthy boundaries or seeking therapy. And for those on a faith journey, leaning into God’s promises can create the safety and validation we often seek elsewhere.

Where to Start

Dr. Hensley recommends looking beyond quick internet quizzes, which she calls “completely bogus.” Instead, turn to credible resources like Thais Gibson’s work or seek professional guidance.

“True healing requires intentionality,” she says. “It’s not about slapping a Band-Aid on your issues. It’s about permanent solutions that transform your life.”

Attachment theory might not solve all your problems overnight, but understanding it could be the key to healthier relationships—with others, yourself and God. And let’s be real: if that stops you from spiraling over a text, isn’t it worth a shot?

© 2023 RELEVANT Media Group, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

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