My wife, Mandy, and I had one of those frozen-in-time moments the other day. We were hanging out in our new kitchen when I walked over to her, gave her a hug, took her hands in mine and looked into her eyes.
I’ve looked into those same hazel-green eyes for more than five years now, but something struck me in that moment. I thought to myself: She took so many risks to marry me. We were only together for six months when we got engaged. She didn’t know exactly where my life was headed, but she let herself fall into my arms anyway. She never had any doubts. She entrusted her whole life to me. I don’t deserve her at all.
When I pursued her during grad school in the fall of 2008, I knew I didn’t have everything together. In a lot of ways, I was a mess. But I had the most important things in place. I knew I loved her and wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. Luckily for me, she felt the same. I don’t know if we were “ready,” but we were ready enough.
And I know that’s not always the case.
For most people, contemplating marriage comes with a flood of questions. Am I ready? Should I wait and work on myself first? Are my hesitations about wanting to be healthy—or are they really about fear or avoidance? Maybe both? At what point do you stop overthinking and decide to jump?
I won’t pretend to have a perfect answer to all of this. But here’s one thing I know: You can never be fully ready for marriage because it’s impossible to be fully ready for marriage.
Nothing prepares you for losing part of yourself while making another person’s life your own. No book, sermon or relationship podcast can really capture what it’s like to walk with someone—through the ordinary and the sacred—for a lifetime.
In some ways, getting married is like jumping into a cold swimming pool as a kid. You’re never totally ready. There’s always some fear. But once you’re in, you adjust. And eventually, the thing that scared you becomes something really good.
That said, saying “I’m not ready” can absolutely be a wise thing if it’s true. If you’re flat broke, directionless or working through deep personal issues, it’s smart—and loving—to ask whether you should wait.
But if you’re a hardworking, responsible, spiritually growing adult in a healthy relationship and you still don’t feel ready, something might be off. Because at some point, if you’re waiting to check every box before you commit, you’ll realize the boxes never stop coming.
The idea of “readiness” starts to look a lot like a moving target. I’ve asked plenty of mature people who’ve said, “I’m just not ready for marriage” how they’ll know when they are—and they rarely have a straight answer.
Truthfully, it’s easy to say “I’m not ready” when it’s really just about fear or selfishness or not wanting to grow up.
Marriage does mark the end of a lot of freedoms. It’s sacrificial. It’s hard. And that reality can scare us into thinking it’s not worth it. But often, we throw out the “not ready” card because it’s easier than facing the discomfort of actually growing.
Sometimes the hesitation isn’t just about fear—it’s about expectations. We’ve seen people get married in total immaturity and watched it crash and burn. In response, we swing to the opposite extreme. We build mile-long checklists before we’ll even consider it.
If the standard for marital readiness is total financial freedom, home ownership, zero baggage, a finished degree and a five-year plan, then of course most people won’t feel ready. That standard isn’t realistic. It’s exhausting.
Yes, maturity matters. Your spiritual health, your direction in life and how you manage money—those things should be in order. But Scripture never calls us to be perfect before stepping into marriage. Even the most spiritually mature person is still a sinner in need of grace.
Marriage isn’t a gold medal for achieving perfection. It’s a training ground for holiness. And sometimes, the growth we’re waiting for can’t even begin until we take the leap.
The decision to get married will always come with uncertainty. There’s no algorithm that can tell you it’s time. But gray areas aren’t bad—they just require wisdom.
When it comes down to it, the better question to ask is: How can I glorify God most right now?
Sometimes that answer will be singleness. Sometimes it will be marriage. If you’ve taken an honest look at your life, gotten wise counsel and believe you’d serve God’s Kingdom better alongside your partner, that’s a pretty good sign you’re ready.
Were Mandy and I truly ready when we got married on Jan. 9, 2010? I don’t know—and it doesn’t really matter. Marriage is more formed than found. And sometimes, you just have to dig in.
I’m glad we did. We were ready enough.
