You didn’t text back. Not because you forgot, but because you weren’t in the mood to deal with whatever awkward, emotional conversation might follow. Instead, you told yourself you were protecting your peace. You prayed about it. Maybe even posted a story about “boundaries.” But deep down, you knew: this wasn’t clarity — it was avoidance.
The phrase “protect your peace” has become a kind of catch-all for conflict avoidance dressed up as maturity. And in fairness, sometimes it is the right call. Not every battle is worth fighting. But when peace becomes a shield to hide behind rather than something we pursue through truth and vulnerability, we’re not actually guarding anything. We’re just making space for resentment to grow in silence.
So how do you know the difference between healthy distance and relational neglect? Between mature boundaries and fear-based avoidance? The answer starts by realizing that real peace isn’t passive — and it almost never comes without a little discomfort first.
Here’s the thing about conflict: It’s inevitable. Even in Eden, the world’s most curated paradise, a conflict over fruit kicked off humanity’s downfall. As writer Tor Constantino puts it, “Even within the confines of a perfect, God-created garden — where every need was met — the seed of bickering could germinate.”
Why? Because, as James 4:1-2 bluntly explains, our desires are always bumping up against someone else’s. “You want something but don’t get it.” That’s not just marriage advice — that’s every relationship. And if you never address those points of friction, they don’t disappear. They just simmer until one day you’re ghosting your best friend over something that could’ve been solved with a 10-minute FaceTime.
So let’s get honest. Are you really avoiding unnecessary stress — or just necessary honesty?
Avoiding conflict in the name of peace sounds noble, but it often results in relationships built on land mines. You tiptoe around issues. You bottle up resentment. And then something minor — a missed invite, a cryptic tone, a “like” on the wrong post — becomes the last straw. Congratulations, your “peace” is now a cold war.
And yet, conflict doesn’t have to be catastrophic. It can actually be clarifying, connective and healing — if you go in with intention. That’s what Constantino realized over 21 years of relationship with his wife. After more than two decades of “spirited disagreements,” they created a mutual set of conflict rules — yes, actual rules of engagement — that helped protect the relationship, not just their individual egos.
Here are a few of those battle-tested boundaries:
- Don’t exaggerate with absolutes. “You always do this.” “You never listen.” That kind of language puts people on defense and turns a small issue into a full-blown character attack.
- Don’t let things build up to ‘last straw’ status. Bringing up issues early is like defusing a bomb. Letting them stack up just guarantees you’ll eventually blow up over the toothpaste cap.
- Don’t use insults, slurs or personal attacks. You’re arguing a point, not attacking a person. Focus on the issue, not their character. If it’s not something they can change, don’t weaponize it.
- Don’t dig up resolved issues. If you said you forgave it, leave it buried. Resurrection is for Jesus, not past arguments.
- Don’t make threats. Unless it’s a situation involving abuse or betrayal, saying “maybe we should break up” mid-fight is verbal napalm. You can’t un-say it, and the trust damage lasts.
- Don’t assign false motives. Just because someone asked a question doesn’t mean they’re questioning your worth. Assume the best, not the worst. As Constantino writes, “I need to assume the best intentions of my mate — not the worst.”
Sound like a lot? It kind of is. But that’s what mature, healthy relationships require — boundaries that engage conflict instead of dodging it. Peace isn’t the absence of conflict. It’s the presence of safety and trust, even when things get tense.
So go ahead, protect your peace. Just make sure the peace you’re protecting isn’t fake serenity built on unspoken resentment. Sometimes, the most peaceful thing you can do is have the hard conversation before it becomes a crisis.
Your future self — and your friendships — will thank you.
