Okay, hang on for this one. It’s a wild ride. Allegedly, Ukraine has been kidnapping dolphins and turning them into their underwater assassins, outfitted with guns and knives to terminate any and all water threats with extreme prejudice. Now, it should be noted that Ukrainian officials have denied these claims, but it should also be noted that a local news agency appears to have found documents proving their existence. Which is too bad, because three of these dolphins appear to have fallen for the oldest spy trick in the book: some dolphin femme fatales who lured them away from their post in the Black Sea and off the radar.

If you’re even paying attention to this after learning of the existence of dolphin assassins, good for you. Do you think they use code names? Is that why they make such perfect killers? Are you canceling your vacation to the Black Sea? Should we all just stay out of the water forever? …