Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. The chilly weather, the hot chocolate, the presents, and (most importantly) a very important birthday everyone should be celebrating. But one of the more “hit or miss” parts of the season is the songs. Don’t get me wrong, some songs absolutely s l a p (looking at you “All I Want For Christmas”) but others just need to be re-written or put to rest forever. As you start to put on a Christmas playlist, consider taking some of these songs out of the rotation.
I’ll be honest, I feel a little bad putting this on the list because it’s a song about a boy wanting to buy something nice for his dying mother. That being said, this is the bleakest song I believe I’ve ever heard — and I’m saying that as a a fan of Phoebe Bridgers. The entire chorus is just heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak. “Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mama…Could you hurry, sir, daddy says there’s not much time, You see she’s been sick for quite a while… And I want her to look beautiful if mama meets Jesus tonight.” The song may be beautiful, but unless you want to see a group of people sobbing their eyes out, do not play this song at a Christmas party.
Mary Did You Know?
“This could have been an email.” The singer spends four minutes asking Mary if she knew who Jesus would be, and the answer is yes. She knew. The angel literally told her in Luke 1 who her son was. That’s part of the Christmas story. So why do we need a song gaslighting Mary about something she already knew?
Baby It’s Cold Outside
A song about a woman trying to get away from a man who won’t take no for an answer? In this day and age? I don’t think so! NEXT!
Away in a Manger
Before everyone starts yelling, 99% of this song is perfectly fine. It’s a sweet and tender song about baby Jesus, which is all fine and good. However, there’s one particular line that’s always been a bit bothersome. “But little Lord Jesus, No crying he makes.” First off, this is Biblically false because as John 11:35 points out, Jesus is a weeper. Secondly, babies cry. It’s what they do, and it’s not a bad thing. It’s just how they communicate. So can someone explain why it’s seen as a good and precious thing that Jesus doesn’t cry in this song? When did this become Biblical canon that baby Jesus didn’t cry? Because as any child development specialist will tell you, it’s actually a bad thing if baby Jesus wasn’t crying.
The 12 Days of Christmas
Hopefully no one is surprised that the most unnecessarily long Christmas song made the list. No one needs this many gifts. And personally, if I was gifted 23 birds within the span of a week, I would run for the hills. This is not a suitor, it’s a stalker.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
The story of Rudolph isn’t as happy as you may think. After being cast aside for one different feature (seriously, he was identical in every other way. They couldn’t look past a different color nose?), he is eventually “accepted” by the other reindeer and Santa himself. But was he really welcomed? Or were his differences only accepted because they could be exploited for labor?
Little Drummer Boy
With the exception of Dwight’s award-worthy rendition, this song gets on my last nerves. Young Mary has just given birth to the savior of the world in a dirty old barn, surrounded by animals and strangers. And here comes some kid wanting to show off his drum skills. Where was Joseph to tell little Ringo that this was not his time to shine? All I’m saying is he could have waited a few more days before he honored Jesus with the drum solo he worked so hard on.