As you may be aware, back in October, we published a listicle called “The Definitive Ranking of Insanely Awesome Christian Album Covers”. It was a blockbuster hit. And, like most blockbuster hits these days, we decided to get as much mileage as possible out of a ridiculous idea—and make an unnecessary sequel.
Sure, it’s impossible to “definitively” rank something twice. Sure, this list is completely pointless. Sure, listicle sequels aren’t even a thing. We don’t care.
Like all great sequels—Godfather II, The Dark Knight, Blue Brothers 2000, Speed 2: Cruise Control—we think we’ve recaptured the magic of the original, and added a new, glorious twist to the franchise.
1. Jed Ford: I Saw the Light
Jed Ford’s jacket collar alone has more swag than anyone on this list.
2. Messiah Prophet: Master of the Metal
This is a killer album cover despite the fact that the ripped dude forging an electric guitar out of meteors appears to be wearing thigh-less pants.
3. Bruno Maltise: Heaven’s Hitman
You should hear him sing, “I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy Down in my heart. Where?!”
4. Stryper: To Hell with the Devil
Clearly, these shredded Stryper angels never miss a leg day.
5. Neil Grant Vosburgh: God’s Best
Credit to Vosburgh for sticking to a such a limited color palette.
6. Carman: Radically Saved!
In fairness, Carman’s entire catalogue warrants its own listicle, but there’s a subtle coolness in the prom date/magician side of the singer on the cover of Radically Saved!
7. Jim Tucker: Only Jesus Can Satisfy Your Soul
Sure, the coat and facial hair are dope, but it’s those shoes that show Jim Tucker is not messing around.
8. Resurrection Band: Awaiting Your Reply
Rinse. Lather. Repeat.
9. Judy W. DeLatte: SATAN GET OUT OF HERE
There’s nothing overly spectacular about Judy W. Delatte’s album image, but the name of her record is so simple and so bold, we thought it deserved recognition: SATAN GET OUT OF HERE.
10. David Ingles: Satan Has Been PARALYZED
David Ingles went with the obvious choice for imagery: Him singing a crowd-pleased rendition of “Satan Has Been Paralyzed” on what appears to be some weird variety show.
11. Dr. Van Impe: From Night Clubs to Christ
Let’s all be honest here: The smiling Dr. Van Impe headed to nightclubs with his accordion looks like way more fun than the one concerned with “the dance,” “rock and modern music” and “Hollywood.”
12. The Rappin’ Reverend Dr. C. Dexter Wise, III: I Ain’t Into That!
He had us at “The Rappin’ Reverend Dr. C. Dexter Wise, III”
13. Little Marcy: Little Marcy Sings to Toddlers
The creepy thing about this album cover is that both of those children are actually puppets.
OK, to our knowledge, Vikingarna is not a Christian band. But, you can not name your album “Hallelujah” and feature a bunch of dudes in viking gear eating a massive turkey and not expect to make the list.
15. Jack Burbridge: From Crime to Christ
He’s a smooth criminal.