You’ve been there — sitting on a couch across from a well-meaning stranger who just asked, “And how did that make you feel?” for the fifth time in 30 minutes. You nod politely, trying not to think about the copay or the fact that you could’ve just trauma-dumped on your group chat for free. But before you ghost your therapist and re-download Headspace, mental health expert Brittney Moses wants you to know: It’s not you — it might just be them.
“It’s a lot like dating,” Moses says.
And not the kind where you find your soulmate on the first swipe. Finding the right counselor, she explains, often takes time, a little trial and error, and more than one awkward first session.
Moses, who’s spent years helping people navigate the emotional maze of mental health, revealed how you can know when therapy is (and more importantly, isn’t) working, what to do when it isn’t and why your counselor might not be “the one.”
The first-date energy of therapy
“Therapy is not always super accessible or easy to navigate,” Moses says. “Especially when you’ve just got off your parents’ health insurance for the first time and now you’re trying to figure out how to find your doctor, dentist and therapist. It’s all in that.”
The process can feel overwhelming, even for someone who knows the system.
“I say that as someone who is in training and has studied this,” Moses said. “It’s hard, and we shouldn’t pretend like it isn’t.”
Moses breaks down the process like a seasoned matchmaker. First, start with your insurance directory — there’s usually a search tool by ZIP code that helps you see which therapists are covered nearby. Then you can start by cold calling or emailing them, letting them know you’re interested.
If your budget’s tighter than your trust issues, Moses recommends checking directories like Psychology Today or lowcosthelp.com, which partner with organizations like Open Path Psychotherapy to offer sliding-scale rates.
“There are great peer support groups, too,” she says, referencing NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. “It’s not therapy, but it is beneficial.”
University counseling centers, graduate clinics, and crisis hotlines can also fill the gap.
“If it’s between waiting months for the perfect therapist and getting help now,” Moses says, “I’d rather you just find someone who is trained.”
Should your therapist be Christian?
It’s one of Moses’ favorite questions — and one that sparks debate in church lobbies everywhere. “If you’re a Christian, should you only be seeing a Christian therapist?”
Her answer: It’s complicated.
“There are benefits to somebody who maybe already shares or understands the basis of your worldview,” she says. “There might be a little bit less that you have to explain, and that’s super helpful.”
But she’s quick to point out that all therapists are trained — or at least supposed to be trained — to be culturally competent. Meaning, they should be able to meet clients where they are, faith and all.
“There is a fear sometimes in the faith community that if you go see a therapist who isn’t Christian, they’re going to try to override your beliefs and push this psycho babble jargon, new age, whatever, onto you,” Moses said. “And I have to say that’s quite unethical.”
Moses reminds us that even if your therapist shares your faith, they may not share your exact beliefs.
“There is a vast spectrum of doctrine in the Christian faith, even types of denominations, different worldviews and interpretations of Scripture,” she says. “Either way, you’re going to have to get to know what this person believes, what informs their faith, what helps them.”
So when should you consider switching? She says listening to your gut is key. If there is someone who demeans that or kind of bypasses that or doesn’t seem to care about that or is pushing something else on you that is clearly against what you believe, that’s something worth having a conversation with them about.
Still, Moses clarified that if someone’s in crisis, it’s better to get help from someone who is trained. Translation: Don’t wait for the perfect Christian counselor if you need help now. Get your foot in the door. Healing doesn’t always look like your ideal scenario.
When it’s not working
Therapy is a relationship — and like any relationship, it can get awkward before it gets better.
“When it comes to therapy, in essence, you’re learning this person for the first time. They’re learning you for the first time,” Moses explains. “So it’s going to take some time to build that therapeutic relationship.”
She suggests giving it a few sessions — at least a couple of months — before calling it quits.
“Pay attention to whether they are also paying attention to what your needs are,” she says.
And if they aren’t? Speak up.
“It’s a bidirectional relationship,” Moses says. “If something’s not working, try to communicate it with your therapist or counselor. They’re learning you as well. See how they respond.”
If nothing changes, you have permission to move on. If you notice that it’s just not working, there’s just still something that’s not connecting there, then you have the autonomy to seek someone who is a better fit for you.
In other words, don’t ghost them — communicate. But don’t settle, either.
“You have the right to advocate for yourself,” Moses says. “You have the autonomy to seek a second and even third perspective, to see if they all line up.”
A good therapist won’t take it personally. In fact, they should support your decision.
“Any well-intentioned counselor or therapist is wanting to meet you where you are,” she says. “But they just might be missing something or some information that they can only get from you.”
Why therapy isn’t just talking
For anyone who’s ever said, “I don’t need therapy, I have friends,” Moses has thoughts.
“There are some common misconceptions that people might have about it,” she says. “What’s the difference between talking to your friend and talking to a therapist? Or as my husband says, when I tell him to go to the doctor, what are they going to tell me? That’s what you talk to the doctor for.”
Here’s the difference: skill.
“With therapy, there is skill involved. There is assessment involved. There is goal setting and measuring the outcomes of those goals,” Moses explains. “We’re using specific evidence-based tools and skills to help.”
Therapy isn’t just venting. It’s structured. It’s researched. It’s science.
“These techniques, skills and tools have been studied, researched in clinical settings to test for efficacy,” she says. “Basically meaning how well these techniques and tools actually work in reducing symptoms of anxiety and depression. It’s not just a free-for-all.”
There’s also something your group chat can’t give you: confidentiality.
“Unless you’re going to hurt yourself or others, it won’t leave the room,” she says. “It’s nonjudgmental. There’s empathy there and it’s a safe space.”
That kind of safety can be rare. And for many, it’s the first step toward real healing.
The breakup
So when is it time to officially “break up” with your therapist?
Moses would tell you it comes down to self-awareness. If the relationship feels stagnant, misaligned, or unsafe, it’s time to move on.
“Therapists are trained to be understanding and empathetic and to be able to adjust to what’s working and what’s not working,” she says. “But you can advocate for yourself.”
At the end of the day, the goal of therapy isn’t to impress your therapist. It’s to get better and grow into a functioning human.
“I believe any well-intentioned counselor or therapist wants to meet you where you are,” Moses says. “But if they can’t, it’s OK to find someone who can.”
Think of it as closure — with better coping skills.
