Scripture Code Corner: Today, the Sun Shall Be Blotted Out
Strange tidings from the old RELEVANT prophecy corner today, as our predictive experts have a chilling forecast that bodes ill for all mankind. Using an ancient numerological code embedded in the Book of Hezekiah in conjunction with long-forgotten interpretations of the Gospel of Thomas, the Code of Hammurabi, Left Behind and Eat, Pray, Love, our experts have predicted that today the entire sun will be blotted out.
Why? For how long? To what ends? No one can say for sure, but what we do know is that the sun will be replaced by a black spot of portent most foul, its sinister divinations known only to scuttling insects, the wolves and creatures of the terrible deep. And, well, scientists. Maybe.
Thankfully, we have plenty of left over rations from the Blood Moon scare.
Anyway, furthermore, our experts warn that anyone who looks upon this spot for 15 seconds or so will feel a curse upon their eyes. (This curse can be protected against by the strange powers of these magical glasses, or else an ancient technique involving shoeboxes and tinfoil).
Some may laugh. Some will call us fools, or worse. But these are the signs written in ancient texts and natural forces. Ignore these warnings at your peril.