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Urgent: Staggering Drunk Raccoons Are Causing a Rabies Scare In West Virginia

Sometimes you just have to report the important news, which is why today we’re taking you out to the city of Milton, West Virginia to uncover some of the town’s seedy, low-to-the-ground crime. Yes, it’s as bad as you’ve heard: A bunch of raccoons ate some fermented crabapples and are now terrorizing the town with their drunken antics.

Authorities were notified of the miscreant creatures when local citizens observed the animals “behaving weirdly” according to the Washington PostOfficers established a perimeter around the area where the suspects were known to be hanging out and began a systematic search for the perpetrators.

There was worry the suspects were rabid due to their “staggering and disoriented” gait, but upon contact with the raccoons, officers concluded they were drunk off some fermented crabapples from a nearby tree.

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“Turns out they appear to be drunk,” reads the official statement from local police.

The raccoons were held in custody until they sobered up, when the police released them back into the wild. During their stay in the pen, one of the drunks was named Dallas by authorities.

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