In the grand tapestry of Biblical narratives, amidst the profound teachings and epic histories, there exists an array of creatures that could give any fantasy novel a run for its money. These Biblical beasts take the stories of Scripture to the absolute next level; there’s no denying it. And it’s about time someone sat down and rank these creatures from best to worst
Here’s our super definitive ranking of every Biblical beast (along with an AI-generated image):
1. Jonah’s Whale
Who else could we start out with aside from the big fish? We’re talking about the Jonah-swallowing whale. This mammoth fish gets points for hospitality (albeit a bit damp) and teaching Jonah a lesson in obedience, all while maintaining a 100% guest survival rate. Plus, you have to admire a creature that essentially serves as a submarine in an era millennia before Jules Verne.
2. Daniel’s Lions
Landing in a close second are the lions from Daniel’s story. Known for their surprising diet choices (prophets not included), these big cats showed remarkable restraint and helped prove a point about divine protection. It sort of makes them the ancient world’s version of peaceful protesters.
3. Balaam’s Talking Donkey
Long before Hollywood thought talking animals were cool, the Bible gave us a donkey with serious communication skills. Not only did this donkey see an angel, but it also had the gumption to call out Balaam’s bad behavior. We only wish there were more stories with this communicative creature.
4. Revelation’s Multi-Headed Beasts
Coming in hot (and a bit terrifying) are the multi-headed beasts from Revelation. These creatures are like something straight out of a sci-fi thriller, complete with symbolism and apocalyptic flair. They score high for dramatic effect but lose points because, well, they’re pretty nightmare-inducing.
5. The Behemoth
This mysterious creature mentioned in Job has sparked countless debates. Is it a hippo? A dinosaur? A mythological beast? Whatever it is, the Behemoth scores for sheer mystery and the fact that it’s somehow part of God’s epic response to Job.
7. The Coin Fish
This fish doesn’t get nearly enough credit. Not only did it mind its own business, but it also managed to have a coin in its mouth just when Peter needed to pay taxes. It’s like the Biblical version of finding change in the sofa cushions, but way more impressive.
8. Samson’s Foxes
These foxes get a nod for their part in Samson’s revenge against the Philistines. Tying their tails together and setting them on fire was definitely one of the more bizarre tactics in the Bible. PETA would not approve, but you have to admit, it’s an unforgettable story.
9. The Ravens that Fed Elijah
Before Uber Eats, there were Elijah’s ravens. These birds brought the prophet bread and meat during a famine. They may not have had five-star hygiene ratings, but their room service was divine.
10. The Serpent in Eden
Rounding out our list is the infamous serpent. it really doesn’t get worse than tricking Eve in the garden and setting for a catostrophic series of events for the rest of history. The serpent may be the most well-known Biblical beast, but it is certainly not the most liked!
