A few years ago, I had my first experience with spiritual abuse.
Compelled to serve God in a radical way, I dropped out of college, gave away all my possessions and moved to Africa, only to be manipulated, controlled and taken advantage of by leaders in the mission organization.
When I returned home, my pastor gave me two options: I could either lie and make up a more palatable story, or I could stay silent. Either way, I was forbidden from telling the truth, inside or outside the church. He believed that if people knew what had really happened, it would cause division in the congregation and damage the church’s reputation.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Being hurt by strangers is one thing, but being betrayed by those you trust and admire is something else entirely. I was angry and disillusioned. For the first time in my life, I walked away from church.
Thankfully, some of my friends understood what I was going through. Others, not so much. What I’ve realized over time is that many Christians struggle with how to respond to spiritual abuse.
I’ve personally encountered—or even said—many of the responses below. Here are a few things not to say to someone who has been hurt by their church:
“No Church Is Perfect.”
Instead of offering support, some Christians instinctively go into defense mode. They downplay the victim’s experience, insisting the Church is made up of flawed people who are “only human.”
While it’s true that no church is perfect, this response only shifts attention away from the real issue. A victim of spiritual abuse doesn’t need a reminder that churches do good work—they need acknowledgment that what happened to them was wrong. No amount of positive impact cancels out harm done to individuals.
“Are You Working Toward Reconciliation?”
The last thing a victim of spiritual abuse needs is pressure to return to the environment that hurt them.
If someone is attacked by a dog, would you tell them to go back and risk another bite? Insisting on reconciliation assumes that abusive people can always be reasoned with, which isn’t the case. Worse, it places the burden of resolution on the victim. It suggests that making peace is their responsibility, even when they were the ones wronged.
“I Don’t Want to Gossip.”
If a pastor or staff member is mistreating someone, talking about it isn’t gossip—it’s accountability.
Imagine discovering that your brother-in-law was abusing your sister. Would you stay silent because it’s “not your business”? Abuse, whether domestic or spiritual, impacts an entire community. Just because harm happens behind closed doors doesn’t mean it’s a private matter.
Christians must take spiritual abuse seriously. That starts with recognizing that speaking out isn’t gossip—it’s a necessary step toward justice.
“What Will Non-Believers Think?”
When church leaders are exposed for wrongdoing, some Christians worry more about the Church’s reputation than the victims. They fear that public criticism will damage Christianity’s witness.
But protecting appearances at the expense of truth is a dangerous trade-off. When we prioritize a polished image over transparency, we show the world that we care more about our institution than we do about the people within it.
“Stop Being So Bitter.”
People who have been hurt by a church have a right to be angry. Anger is a natural response to injustice and in many cases, it’s an appropriate one.
So why do Christians often struggle to let each other express negative emotions? Too often, we assume that lingering hurt must mean a person has a “root of bitterness” or a problem with unforgiveness. But healing is a process and rushing someone through it with accusations of bitterness only adds to their pain.
“Is This Worth Dividing the Church Over?”
One of the most effective ways to silence victims is to make them feel responsible for any division their story might cause.
When I escaped my abusive situation in Africa, my pastor pressured me to stay quiet “for the greater good of the Gospel.” It wasn’t a suggestion—it was an ultimatum. If I spoke up, I was told, I would be the one responsible for any fallout in the congregation.
Yes, exposing spiritual abuse can divide a church. But that division isn’t caused by the victim speaking out—it’s caused by the abuse itself. Blaming the person who tells the truth only enables the cycle to continue.
What to Do Instead
Knowing what not to say is important. But even more crucial is knowing how to respond well.
If someone shares their experience of spiritual abuse with you, start by listening. Validate their pain. Offer support without judgment or pressure. And most of all, stand with them—not just with the institution.
Healing from church hurt is hard enough. Let’s not make it harder by adding silence to the weight they already carry.
