What Your Coffee Says About Your Theology

Because the only thing Christians enjoy more than a theology debate is a rich, caffeinated beverage.

BY JESSE CAREY GOD March 04, 2016

If there’s one thing that Christians enjoy more than debating the nuances of theology, it’s sitting down for a rich, caffeinated beverage.

But, like their choice in denim and hipster headwear, coffee can actually tell us a lot about what a church-goer actually believes, and can help prevent uncomfortable arguments before they start.

Here’s our guide to what your coffee says about your theology.

French Press

This individual insists that their new, trendy way to make individual cups of coffee is so much better than what everyone else is currently doing, even though the French Press is actually a very old, difficult-to-master traditional method of coffee preparation.

In other words, expect the French Press user to have just embraced the liturgical calendar, singing hymns and reading Kierkegaard, as if they all just became things cool Christians now do.
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K-Cup Cappuccinos

The perfect beverage for the person that has little time for anything other than a tiny pod of sugary, super-heated caffeine and a six-point, acronym-based sermon on claiming your territory.
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Mocha Frappuccino with Extra Whip

This person enjoys indulging in the finer things in life with no apologies: Clearly, a prosperity gospel advocate.
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Decaf

Heretic.
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Some Organic, Locally Sourced Weird Cold Brew Thing that Actually Tastes Terrible

This individual probably has a beard, wears a Pork Pie hat and, of course, writes some really stirring 9-minute ballads for the praise band.
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French Vanilla Latte

Look, we all know that there’s nothing actually from France or any real vanilla in this latte syrup. Clearly, the French vanilla latte drinker is susceptible to counterfeit theology. Very likely also a heretic.
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Regular Coffee From One of Those Big Steel Cylinder Things

Anyone who enjoys drinking coffee from one of those big steel coffee cylinders and helping themselves to a few free pastries is likely a serial church-hopper whose Sunday mornings are primarily based on taking advantage of “welcome areas” set aside for first-time visitors.
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Pumpkin Spice Latte (PSL)

Someone who enjoys constantly changing, seasonal drink menus likely finds themselves embracing whatever the latest church trend is with no real theological grounding. Accountability recommended.
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Iced Black Coffee

They have obviously accepted the cold, dark truth of Calvinism.
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Espresso

The espresso drinker likely also takes part in strong, powerful, small doses of confrontational street evangelism.
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Soy Macchiato

Intolerant of weak sermon illustrations; flowery, contemporary worship songs; feel-good, self-help teachings; and, of course, lactose.
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JESSE CAREY

Jesse Carey is an editor at RELEVANT and a mainstay on the weekly RELEVANT Podcast. He lives in Virginia Beach with his wife and two kids.

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