As you know, it’s Christian Girl Autumn. It’s actually double Christian Girl Autumn, since the U.S. was in full lockdown mode for last year’s festivities. In any case, a very happy Christian Girl Autumn to all who celebrate. Of course, Christian Girl Autumn isn’t so much a season as it is a vibe; a perspective; a way of presenting yourself to the world. But you hardly need any of these instructions. You’re already well-versed in Christian Girl Autumn. So there’s only one question: How many of these classic Christian Girl Autumn things have you done to bring in the season?
Boycotting the Resident Evil franchise until they change the name to Resident Kindness
Pumpkin Spice toothpaste
Guessing the Enneagram of everyone on Selling Sunset
Leaving a trail of Harry Potter books from your front door to a giant hole in the ground in order to trap the devil
Adapting Hamilton into a Christian stage musical
Chaperoning the unruly teens at the church Harvest Festival Party
Hacking into Facebook to take the entire site down for nearly a whole day
Carving a pumpkin with Brené Brown’s face
Reading This Present Darkness to all the neighborhood children
Filming a two hour YouTube documentary on how Taylor Swift’s Midnights will be about Esther
A fashionable hat with a brim wide enough to protect your identity from government drones
Proving once and for all that Bigfoot exists and he is pro-cancel culture
Building your own fully functional Imagination Station
Teaching the Super Smash Bros. to talk through their differences and forgive each other
Singing “Shout to the Lord” at the local karaoke spot four times in a row in one visit
Writing a 45,000 word defense of The Rings of Power
Taking a fall vacation to the beach that makes you old
Emailing Sufjan Stevens a dropbox link for Massachusetts, your 18-song demo tape tribute to the Bay State
Handing out Chick tracts instead of candy at Halloween
— — —
1 -7: Fall season? More like fail season. Try a few more Christian Girl Autumn activities and then come back for another whirl.
8 – 15: The temperature is cooling, but you’re heating up.
16 – 20: You’re the greatest pumpkin of all.